still so much pain

hurt

anger

and yet, for the first time

i cannot cry it out

i've run out of tears

a fucking miracle!

someone i can share my day with

to share the good and fun stuff

and the horrible, annoying stuff

new beginning: starts NOW!

reminder:

if he cannot love you and respect you and trust you
then he is not worth pursuing anymore

they say:
it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

BULL-fucking-SHIT!

i never want to do this again

i'd rather not know it than to be in so much pain

why do i always fall for men who will never fall for me?

of realize too late how i feel?

so no

better not to fall then have to pick up the shattered heart again

so angry

so very very angry

yay! back to theatre tomorrow! :)

miss operating- even if it's just 2nd assist

and...

i can get my supply...

stock up on a few 15-blades and some steri-strips

keep them handy..

just in case shit hits the fan and it becomes too painful again

note to self:

must not cut

i want someone i can wake up next to and smile

i want someone to have coffee with

i want someone i can explore all these cool cafes with

i want someone i can share my day with

i want someone to make coffee for

i want someone i can rock out with at a gig

i want someone i can watch tv and movies with

i thought i had this someone
sadly, i threw it away
now i don't think this someone exists anymore

fuck me!
successfully got over one guy
only to be hung-up on another

note to self:

must stop crying!

gotta stop acting like teenage girl

remember: he does NOT care

they say if you love someone, let them go

ok then

time to let go

time to pick up the pieces.

i've been crying quite a bit the past few days - worse if a poignant song plays

the funny and weird thing is that i've lately wanted the whole thing

i found myself daydreaming - of a boy, meeting and getting along with my family, a wedding (and michael phelps is not the groom)

and then i shake myself out of is - realizing how fucking ridiculous this is!

and the other night - i dreamt i was happy! (how??) - and happy with H!

well i miss H - i really do

i'm selfish

i want him all to myself. i want him to wait for me

but i know that's ridiculous! it's also wrong

i know that he's already moved on and that he deserves better

H wants me to sever all ties with R

i totally get the rationale to this

i do think i can do it - won't be much of an issue

but what is the point?

H used to look at me with love in his eyes

now? - nothing

and again, i get it

he's just stoked that he's getting some

so i believe i do have the right motivation to move on:

a) he is completely and utterly moved on

b) he has never and will never trust me (i can understand this, i don't blame him - but i can't constantly be with him, knowing i will never be rid of that)

so it is time to rid myself of this sap and mush

it's quite obvious that this - and H - is not meant for me

i just have to remember the above

grow a pair, harden up and rely on nobody

i will get my life together

eat healthy and regular - if not daily - exercise

for i know this is the right way to concur this massive demon of mine

i must admit - i wish i was back to being that size 0

but i know very well that the 2 years of amenorrhoea was so very harmful

so i will do this the correct way - slow and steady

i mean, what's the rush? it's not like i have anybody to impress

and i will put all effort and energy into my career

what else is there to concentrate on?

lost my best friends and there isn't anybody to depend on

so i only have me to make things right.

time to replace a couple of photos with new ones...

ok. time to put the pieces of my fucked-up life back together.

I need to move on.

I will be crying it out the next few days, I suspect

I used to have a best friend

I say "used to" because it turns out - when it came down to it, I guess her heart wasn't into it

It pains me, it saddens me to know that when I needed her the most, she wanted out - not willing to understand or listen to anything at all

I will cry over this

Cry over the loss of this friendship

And then I will move on

I have also realized that I am content with just being colleagues/mates with R

I realize I do NOT actually want anything more with him

Do NOT want the "benefits" we had before
Even if given the oppurtunity - I'm happy with being homies

This is a surprise obviously - given how things were

Now that I've resurfaced - gotten out of that fog I had, things are clearer

Happy that we are mates and colleagues and that he is a guide/teacher in my career

What saddens me the most is something I discovered too late

I realize that H - whom I've wronged so deeply - is someone I care deeply for

It is so totally true - you don't know what you've got till you've lost it

And I have lost him

He is the one person - I realize belatedly - that I look forward to talking to everyday

I realize that I consider what he would think when I do things

When I try on a new outfit/go shopping - I wonder if he'd like it

When I do something cool - I want to tell him

I realize now that I had indeed fallen for him

Unfortunately, as expected with me - this is all too little too late

H has moved on, while I am still here

Pining over him is a deadend - we are over, sadly

So it is time I do the same
I do not want to - I wish we could start over
for I know that he can makes me happy

It is time for me to get over him as he has me

There is no point thinking of the "what ifs"

Of how things could've been

I no longer have a shot
That door has been slammed shut, it's keys thrown into the depths of the universe
I have dug my own grave

So I will cry for the next while - bemoan the loss of this great person

But then I will try and move on

I will harden up

Put those walls up stronger than ever

I will not pine for a man any more - all it does is cause pain and heartbreak

So it is now the time to cry

Cry it out

Then step back and harden up and move on

i am indeed alone, isolated

there's nobody who can ever understand what i mean

until you have felt what it feels to be alone, isolated

you can't possibly know what i mean

a lot of things is just a front

something to make you appear composed

but it is nothing more than just a front to the emptiness inside

thank you for writing me off

thank you for throwing everything away

it just reaffirms things:

you have nobody but yourself

it does actually suck to see everyone else move on with their life except for you =(

that moment you realize that everything you know is a lie

and that you are worth nothing

and no one cares

wow....uncanny resemblence...

it hurts to know that you're just a floating mass

that you don't belong anywhere

that someone is making a big mistake for spending time with you

i haven't cried in awhile

tonight i cry again

yes, that particular pain still hurts

but it is getting better

it doesn't ache as much

it doesn't paralyze me anymore

the bigger pain is still there

the loss of not one - but TWO close friends

one of whom was meant to be the closest thing there is

sigh

oh well

c'est la vie

nope

it still hurts

i thought i was done

i thought i was coming right

nope

it still hurts

it still fucking hurts

it's true what they say..

you never forget your first

your first anything!

first day of school ever!

first crush

first kiss

first love

first CPR

first death

first relationship
first heartbreak

first...

first mistake

...

the mind is such a brittle, fragile, mysterious place
and im teetering on the edge of it

but i must still be ok if i'm still here, right?
despite the terrible pain, the isolation, the loneliness
the nights tears accompany me to sleep...

still here
just have to keep up with the front

i've become way too cynical for my own good
oh well, who cares, right?



and i'm struggling not to cut...
every time the pain becomes too much to bear
i just feel the current scars,
reminds me how good things can be after the cut...

thanks for the pep talk mom
i am now NOT looking forward to visiting in october

fuck im just gonna study for my EMST while in kl

favourite love songs - updated

update from the previous list:

• patti smith (+ springsteen) - because the night
• might just walk down the aisle to this
• bryan adams - have you ever really loved a woman
• bon jovi - always
• the beatles - love
• elvis - can't help falling in love with you
• bruno mars - just the way you are
• the cure/311/adele - love song
• the smiths - there is a light that never goes out
• or maybe walk down the aisle to this one :p
• the xx - angels
• eric clapton - wonderful tonight

on another note....

i am NOT looking forward to 07/12/2012 and the days surrounding it

homies - i despise this word

so angry, so so angry

so much anger and resentment inside

can't let go of it

i am a ticking time-bomb

will probably implode one day

Male Surgeons, male physicians - are all lucky
Their options are vast!
There's nurses to choose from and bloody Allied Health
AND the nursing/allied health students

Me?
A female wannabe Surgeon - doctor nontheless
me - im fucked

Chuen got married!!!! :):)

she was a beautiful bride...

you could see the love and happiness ooze out of their pores...

can't wait for Steph's in december! :)

she and kian rock! :)

and Bal got engaged!!! 

oh wow! so happy for him! :)

now i want one...

cept i don't seem to do it right...

sigh...oh well...

c'est la vie

got a call from Sally today

made my day - heck, made my wknd!!! 

man, i miss her!

she was the one who i could always go to

she never judged

always got me

can't wait to see her again!

I've lost myself

I've suddenly become an introvert

I've become dependent on others

I don't trust others as easily

I've lost the ability to be happy with the things that used to make me happy

Smiling is an effort

Smiling is a show

I am not living

i don't usually (or ever for that matter) wish badness upon others

but this time it's different

i do wish you would fail on this endeavour of yours
that's right - i wish you failure on this endeavour!

therapy has begun - sorta
i have to come to terms with sooo many things
- some are going ok, some still hurt - a lot

good thing i can focus on work - or rather - i need to focus on work

the worse thing out of everything - losing my best friend
it is sad that she can't understand or accept that i can't do some things
but i understand she has a very full plate on her hands and i wish her nothing but happiness

i miss certain things, certain routines
but in the end, i know head trumps heart
my heart is rubbish anyway

once again,
in the end it is every man for himself
if i don't look out for me, who else will?

my, my

how quickly they forget

sigh

"You smiled more when you did Medicine"
said my previous Medical Registrar from when I was a Medical HO

maybe cos i was a HO then...
or maybe cos i'm now a Surgical Registrar in the busiest Surgical department in the country
or maybe cos i don't have anything to smile about nowadays

take your pick

just read a post on reddit (can't believe i just said that) by a man whose wife committed suicide because she was depressed

there were heaps more posts by others about how suicide affected them

sigh

as much as i'm drawn to that
tempted to just stop the pain once and for all
i can't do that to my parents
mama and abah who have done everything for me
who continue to love me unconditionally despite all my rebellious ways

i guess i just have to continue
carry on
i just don't know how to feel anymore
nothing really excites me anymore
nothing really makes me happy, brings me joy
just have to carry on in this haze

i hate that i have nobody i can talk to
nobody i can share my day with

nobody i can tell what operations i did and assisted in
nobody i can tell about what the bosses said
or the latest goss
or how shit my day was

i used to have that
they've all turned out rubbish
people you cannot trust

sigh
just me, my thoughts and my tears

i wish i can say this to someone now
- cos God knows that now's the time i need to the most

but one day....

maybe one day I'll be able to say this to someone

maybe one day someone will say this to me

SECRET SMILE

- Semisonic. 1998

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So use it and prove it
Remove this whirling sadness
I'm losing, I'm bluesing
But you can save me from madness

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So save me I'm waiting
I'm needing, hear me pleading
And soothe me, improve me
I'm grieving, I'm barely believing now, now

When you are flying around and around the world
And I'm lying alonely
I know there's something sacred and free reserved
And received by me only

fucking epiphany!!!!

when i had first crushed hard on this guy, atiqah says i was being a shit cos i was putting him first before our friendship (which was really, really tight - i mean, we travelled together for fucks sake!)
according to her, it should have been bros before hos (or the girl-version of if, at least).
obviously that stung at the time

next thing i know the fucking bitch goes for coffee with him
thinking she was having a fling with him
being fully fucking aware i was still crushing hard on him

motherfucking hypocritical bitch!!!! - you broke the motherfucking code!!!

you don't "have a fling" with a guy you know your friend has the hots for
and then accuse me of not being a good friend
and acting all high-and-mighty just cos i was crushing on the guy

fucking epiphany!

you really can't trust people these days

you do NOT go for the person you friend likes
that's so obviously off-limits!

needless to say - i don't trust atiqah anymore
not when she can accuse me of doing something exactly the moment she was doing it herself

ok - that's one friendship preserved
glad we talked

on another note:

as if it wasn't hard enough to get over one guy, i now have to figure out how to get over TWO!

i guess it's easy

one is waaay toooo good for me - he was settling, the poor guy

the other was always a superficial fling taken too seriously that was going nowhere

oh well, here's to more cries and painful days

how will i love someone

or have someone love me

when i don't even love myself?

how do i love me?

all i see are the flaws

i struggle to see anything to love

how do i love me?

wow.
i truly, TRULY am alone

if you have that one person you can tell your deepest, darkest pains to - you're lucky.
someone you can bare your soul to

you are fortunate if you have that person - that true person for life
hold that person tightly for it is truly the most precious thing you'll ever have

having to keep everything in can only last you so long
after that it eats at you
but i just have to carry on
i'm certain it'll lead me to an early grave - be it an MI or an ulcer

but there's nothing much you can do when you're alone

Monday

Monday will decide if we stay friends
or sadly, revert to colleagues/acquaintances

we shall see

on the plus side, i won't need the pill anymore

i miss my ex
he was good
most importantly, he was honest, he treated me like i was a queen

i've had to learn the hard way (as i usually do with my life lessons unfortunately)
i've had to learn that just because you're curious, doesn't mean it's good or worth it

my biggest problem is that i fall for the wrong people
the people who give me butterflies from the get-go
these are the guys i fall for
you'd think i'd learn
apparently i don't

take my ex
he didn't give me butterflies
not at the start at least - makes sense, given that him asking me out was not something i expected

but the butterflies came later
they were good butterflies
i should've trusted those butterflies
instead - i got scared and ran away

now i'll never have that again

but i know this latest development had to happen
stink that it happened the way it did
heart just hurts so much
but i'm glad it happened
now i can move on
i deserve better

so this is what it feels like to have your heart broken :'(

man, i thought i'd be out of tears by now

i mean, i should be right?

been crying everyday for quite a few months

sigh, oh well

here's what i think i need

• a lobotomy OR
• a really good fuck OR
• a real hug

i was right
i was naive
i'm too much hard work - so you wash your hands off me

i don't talk to outsiders cos i don't trust them - they don't know me
that's why i try to scream to you - my friends - for help
my, my....that was naive of me
i under-estimated how much hard work, how much of a nuisance i would be

that was an error on my part
i trusted "my inner circle"
ha ha ha! what a joke!
i keep forgetting it's every man for himself

that's ok. im trying to be less bitter about it

at least now i really know that when the time comes down to it
it's only mama and abah who would really be hurt by it
at least i've already delegated it to someone to tell them it's not their fault
i'm the one who was broken, who was faulty.

ok, and maybe work - they'd be affected cos we'd be short-staffed again
parents and work

time to work on that naivety - people have their own lives
they don't wanna know about yours - it's way too hard

how many other ways can i self-destruct

why do i keep forgetting that "friends" are superficial beings
they say you're homies, they say you're tight
they say "i'm here for you, just talk to me"
but the truest test comes down to when they need you the most and you them

sadly, this is where they reveal themselves
this is where it gets too difficult for them
they don't deliver

yes, it hurts - it fucking hurts
but i now understand
you don't want to add more shit to your already complicated, fulfilled life
that is fine

it just strengthens my belief - it is every man for himself
i just need to remind myself of this daily
because i still forget, and i still hold out for a glimpse of this so-called friendship
but no more.
when push-comes-to-shove, it is every man for himself



so maybe one day i'll learn to love myself
and maybe one day i'll finally stop crying

Finally....

i fucking did it!

it's been a long time coming, but i finally fucking did it!

it is the right time for it

wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
it's a different kind of pain - the initial piercing wasn't too bad, but the dull ache still remains

i like it. it's a different sort of pain to fuss about - and fuss i must, if i want to avoid cellulitis

it looks cool and it's a good pain =)

it is possibly time to end this blog and start a new covert one

fuck me

i just never fucking learn!

i know what is wrong. i know what i need to do

yet i keep doing the same thing over and over and over again

only to fall flat on my face again

fucking denial. fucking insanity

fucking stupidity

that's all there is to it, isn't it?

i have once again been reminded that friendships are overrated

when it comes to the crunch - nobody has your back

it's every man for his own

just have to keep reminding myself that i only have me

Raya all alone is pretty fucking depressing, let me tell ya!

This year was set to be the worse

Thank God for YouTube - for letting me have Takbir Raya on loop

Thank God one of my best mates wanted to go for a short trip

Made it a great day!

Made it bearable, minimal tears...

So Raya 2012 = waffles + Karangahake Gorge + dimsum + hot choc :)

being all alone is bad enough

but being alone on Eid?

well, fuck me

aaaarghhhh!!!!!!

who knew the simple act of breathing could be so difficult

that the most attracting thing seems to be to cut yourself - just to change the pain, just to watch yourself bleed...

it just hit me

this will be the most depressing Raya ever!

being alone when Raya as you know it meant the whole clan

i can only hope that im working that day

it's really sad that i don't believe in friendship anymore
i believe that i can still be a good friend - that i will be there should said friend need me
but i no longer believe that it is reciprocal
and i no longer expect it

i know that's an over-generalization
but the world looks different when you've had people who were "friends" turn their back on you
turn their backs when you needed a shoulder to cry on the most

maybe that will change
i hope it will change

insanity = doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results

why do i keep making the mistake of depending on others, depending on "friends"

gotta remember - i am an island

in the perfect world i'd have him,
he who would:

pffft! yeah...sure...after i get my act together...

when people (especially "friends") repeatedly make you feel like shit, 

eventually you believe it yourself

cos you don't know better

it's something i used to believe in

then things happened - people happened

now i need to remember that belief again

that i am alone, 

that i only have me

it sucks now - but i'll get used to not believing in the fairy tales again

i want this...pretty please....

why not just *poof* and disappear

nobody would notice anyway

one less burden

on another note,

i think i need to change the target location to my legs

getting too obvious on the arm with the 3 scars already..

so be it...

when screams go unheard

tmrw is another day i pretend to be happy

tmrw is another day i pretend that life's alright

tmrw is another day i pretend i don't want to just disappear

tmrw is another day i pretend that the eyebags are from lack of sleep

uncontrollable tears - WTF?

time to find that distraction

drive really fast? jump off a plane? cut your arm and watch it bleed?

anything to feel something else

hmm...i think at 3, it might just be noticeable

time to use that concealer i've yet to use! 

not even music can stop the tears

loneliness....

being alone...

the most painful feeling you could ever have

the downside of pushing people away is that you're left with nobody in the end

having that said that, it wasn't like there was anybody there in the first place

those who get pushed away wanna be pushed away anyway

you just can't and won't deal with me - which is fine by me

so don't pretend that I'm upsetting you when I push you away

this just reaffirms my believe that people leave. that friends are not real

i hate you

i hate you

i hate you!

but i like you

fuck you!

whoever said cutting was stupid, that it doesn't solve anything obviously has no clue about what they're talking about.

there was so much clarity post-cut

there was no pain after

when you're all alone, 

when there's nobody you can turn to

when people you thought were on your side betrayed you

when your "friends" flip you off

there's one thing that will never disappoint

Count on no one but yourself...and even that may be precarious

i thought i could depend on you when i needed a friend
just like how i was there when you needed me

my mistake
just go back to your life, now that you've got it back

i always thought i was a pretty good friend. now when i need support the most, that's when i'm judged and deemed inappropriate and hung out to dry

TIL who my real friends are.

There's the BFF even though i know she disapproves of me, she's still sticking around

and funny enough - one of the truest is the one i've hurt and abused the most. he's still around despite the lies and pain and torture

when did i become so weak?

when did i become so dependent?

when did living become a chore and survival became a struggle?

why does it hurt so much?

why is there so much pain?

you'd think that you wouldn't wanna hurt yourself

sounds like common sense, right?

sadly, not in this case

it's a struggle trying NOT to hurt myself

every night that i go to sleep without cutting or killing myself is an accomplishment

every morning that i wake is another day i have to face while trying not to succumb 

weddings galore! v2.0

2011 was the last time i was fortunate enough to be a part of 3 weddings....
"maid-of-honour" in one....

and now...another lot are getting hitched! putting on the ball-and-chain and throwing away the keys...

1. chuen - wedding in adelaide, september; reception kl, december
2. alea - wedding/reception in kl, october
3. kath - wedding/reception in kl, december
4. puchi - wedding/reception in kl, february

im definitely going for chuen's in adelaide and puchi's next year

i should go for alea's - she's blood, always on my side even when the world isnt...(having said that, she doesn't actually know of the shenanigans i've been up to in the last 6/12...oh well)

i really wanna go for kaths!

i hope there are flight sales....

im already fucking broke...

hmm....

leave is a given, flights are pretty cheap....

question is, 

do i really wanna go back to kl this year?

nothing for me back home

heartbreak?

wait, what?

WTF?

i am so greedy!

wanting 2 when i can't even handle 1

but...i can't help it....

this sucks!!!

can't i just disappear?

can't i just go to sleep and never wake up?

what is the point of all this?

in the end, you never get what you want

such morbid thoughts

i am doing some good in the world - i'm helping people

just need to keep reminding myself about that

even though i don't believe a damned thing

hmmm....interesting....

nice while it lasts :)

i think there's only one person in this fucking country that i actually like

only one person i actually wanna hang out and spend time with

everybody else just annoys the fuck out of me

everybody else who are friends just don't feel like friends any more

maybe i need to go back to my roots

maybe i need to move

i think God hates me

yeah, yeah...i shouldn't be saying that

but hey, can't help it now can i?

FML

i am alone in a crowded room

can't talk to her no more - not about stuff that matters at least
can't talk to him no more - not after finding out im naive and immature
can't talk to him - not after i betrayed him
can't talk to her - she's got bigger, better things on her plate and i don't think she could ever handle what i've done, what i'm doing, what i think, what i have to say

there really isn't anyone i can ever open up to
some things, some thoughts just cannot be verbalized

i am alone through the mind-fuck
oh well, gotta suck it up, huh

i hope i've done the right thing

i hope i'm doing the right thing

i want him

i want it

i want us

sadly, 

i know i'm not ready for it yet

i'll just break it again :(

true to form, i've ruined the one good - no, great - thing i had going in my life.

good job, nana!

once again, you've stopped yourself from being happy.

you succumbed to your mindfucks. 

good luck getting that great thing back

men in suits

oh.my.gawd!

Finally truly listened to "Shake It Out" by Florence + The Machine
Don't think I've connected with a song in a long while...the last one was probably "Adam's Song"

"Regrets collect like old friends, 

Here to relive your darkest moments, 

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool, I've been blind,

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around"

I know the song goes on...
But I'm yet to follow through with it...
I'm still pre-chorus, still pre-dawn...

"All of these questions such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground

So I like to keep my issues drawn

But it's always darkest before the dawn..

And I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't

And here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope

It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat

Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me.

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa,

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa,

And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back,

So shake him off, oh whoa"

Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to shake it off

hmmm....this is harder than i thought it would be..
crap

hmmm....

feels like things have not changed one damn bit

i'm with the same bunch of people

texting the same bunch,

doing the same bunch of things

having the same bunch of fun

so, someone tell me what the point of this is?