ok. time to put the pieces of my fucked-up life back together.

I need to move on.

I will be crying it out the next few days, I suspect

I used to have a best friend

I say "used to" because it turns out - when it came down to it, I guess her heart wasn't into it

It pains me, it saddens me to know that when I needed her the most, she wanted out - not willing to understand or listen to anything at all

I will cry over this

Cry over the loss of this friendship

And then I will move on

I have also realized that I am content with just being colleagues/mates with R

I realize I do NOT actually want anything more with him

Do NOT want the "benefits" we had before
Even if given the oppurtunity - I'm happy with being homies

This is a surprise obviously - given how things were

Now that I've resurfaced - gotten out of that fog I had, things are clearer

Happy that we are mates and colleagues and that he is a guide/teacher in my career

What saddens me the most is something I discovered too late

I realize that H - whom I've wronged so deeply - is someone I care deeply for

It is so totally true - you don't know what you've got till you've lost it

And I have lost him

He is the one person - I realize belatedly - that I look forward to talking to everyday

I realize that I consider what he would think when I do things

When I try on a new outfit/go shopping - I wonder if he'd like it

When I do something cool - I want to tell him

I realize now that I had indeed fallen for him

Unfortunately, as expected with me - this is all too little too late

H has moved on, while I am still here

Pining over him is a deadend - we are over, sadly

So it is time I do the same
I do not want to - I wish we could start over
for I know that he can makes me happy

It is time for me to get over him as he has me

There is no point thinking of the "what ifs"

Of how things could've been

I no longer have a shot
That door has been slammed shut, it's keys thrown into the depths of the universe
I have dug my own grave

So I will cry for the next while - bemoan the loss of this great person

But then I will try and move on

I will harden up

Put those walls up stronger than ever

I will not pine for a man any more - all it does is cause pain and heartbreak

So it is now the time to cry

Cry it out

Then step back and harden up and move on