someone i can share my day with

to share the good and fun stuff

and the horrible, annoying stuff

new beginning: starts NOW!

reminder:

if he cannot love you and respect you and trust you
then he is not worth pursuing anymore

they say:
it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

BULL-fucking-SHIT!

i never want to do this again

i'd rather not know it than to be in so much pain

why do i always fall for men who will never fall for me?

of realize too late how i feel?

so no

better not to fall then have to pick up the shattered heart again

so angry

so very very angry

yay! back to theatre tomorrow! :)

miss operating- even if it's just 2nd assist

and...

i can get my supply...

stock up on a few 15-blades and some steri-strips

keep them handy..

just in case shit hits the fan and it becomes too painful again

note to self:

must not cut

i want someone i can wake up next to and smile

i want someone to have coffee with

i want someone i can explore all these cool cafes with

i want someone i can share my day with

i want someone to make coffee for

i want someone i can rock out with at a gig

i want someone i can watch tv and movies with

i thought i had this someone
sadly, i threw it away
now i don't think this someone exists anymore

fuck me!
successfully got over one guy
only to be hung-up on another

note to self:

must stop crying!

gotta stop acting like teenage girl

remember: he does NOT care

they say if you love someone, let them go

ok then

time to let go

time to pick up the pieces.

i've been crying quite a bit the past few days - worse if a poignant song plays

the funny and weird thing is that i've lately wanted the whole thing

i found myself daydreaming - of a boy, meeting and getting along with my family, a wedding (and michael phelps is not the groom)

and then i shake myself out of is - realizing how fucking ridiculous this is!

and the other night - i dreamt i was happy! (how??) - and happy with H!

well i miss H - i really do

i'm selfish

i want him all to myself. i want him to wait for me

but i know that's ridiculous! it's also wrong

i know that he's already moved on and that he deserves better

H wants me to sever all ties with R

i totally get the rationale to this

i do think i can do it - won't be much of an issue

but what is the point?

H used to look at me with love in his eyes

now? - nothing

and again, i get it

he's just stoked that he's getting some

so i believe i do have the right motivation to move on:

a) he is completely and utterly moved on

b) he has never and will never trust me (i can understand this, i don't blame him - but i can't constantly be with him, knowing i will never be rid of that)

so it is time to rid myself of this sap and mush

it's quite obvious that this - and H - is not meant for me

i just have to remember the above

grow a pair, harden up and rely on nobody

i will get my life together

eat healthy and regular - if not daily - exercise

for i know this is the right way to concur this massive demon of mine

i must admit - i wish i was back to being that size 0

but i know very well that the 2 years of amenorrhoea was so very harmful

so i will do this the correct way - slow and steady

i mean, what's the rush? it's not like i have anybody to impress

and i will put all effort and energy into my career

what else is there to concentrate on?

lost my best friends and there isn't anybody to depend on

so i only have me to make things right.

time to replace a couple of photos with new ones...

ok. time to put the pieces of my fucked-up life back together.

I need to move on.

I will be crying it out the next few days, I suspect

I used to have a best friend

I say "used to" because it turns out - when it came down to it, I guess her heart wasn't into it

It pains me, it saddens me to know that when I needed her the most, she wanted out - not willing to understand or listen to anything at all

I will cry over this

Cry over the loss of this friendship

And then I will move on

I have also realized that I am content with just being colleagues/mates with R

I realize I do NOT actually want anything more with him

Do NOT want the "benefits" we had before
Even if given the oppurtunity - I'm happy with being homies

This is a surprise obviously - given how things were

Now that I've resurfaced - gotten out of that fog I had, things are clearer

Happy that we are mates and colleagues and that he is a guide/teacher in my career

What saddens me the most is something I discovered too late

I realize that H - whom I've wronged so deeply - is someone I care deeply for

It is so totally true - you don't know what you've got till you've lost it

And I have lost him

He is the one person - I realize belatedly - that I look forward to talking to everyday

I realize that I consider what he would think when I do things

When I try on a new outfit/go shopping - I wonder if he'd like it

When I do something cool - I want to tell him

I realize now that I had indeed fallen for him

Unfortunately, as expected with me - this is all too little too late

H has moved on, while I am still here

Pining over him is a deadend - we are over, sadly

So it is time I do the same
I do not want to - I wish we could start over
for I know that he can makes me happy

It is time for me to get over him as he has me

There is no point thinking of the "what ifs"

Of how things could've been

I no longer have a shot
That door has been slammed shut, it's keys thrown into the depths of the universe
I have dug my own grave

So I will cry for the next while - bemoan the loss of this great person

But then I will try and move on

I will harden up

Put those walls up stronger than ever

I will not pine for a man any more - all it does is cause pain and heartbreak

So it is now the time to cry

Cry it out

Then step back and harden up and move on

i am indeed alone, isolated

there's nobody who can ever understand what i mean

until you have felt what it feels to be alone, isolated

you can't possibly know what i mean

a lot of things is just a front

something to make you appear composed

but it is nothing more than just a front to the emptiness inside

thank you for writing me off

thank you for throwing everything away

it just reaffirms things:

you have nobody but yourself

it does actually suck to see everyone else move on with their life except for you =(