got a call from Sally today

made my day - heck, made my wknd!!! 

man, i miss her!

she was the one who i could always go to

she never judged

always got me

can't wait to see her again!

I've lost myself

I've suddenly become an introvert

I've become dependent on others

I don't trust others as easily

I've lost the ability to be happy with the things that used to make me happy

Smiling is an effort

Smiling is a show

I am not living

i don't usually (or ever for that matter) wish badness upon others

but this time it's different

i do wish you would fail on this endeavour of yours
that's right - i wish you failure on this endeavour!

therapy has begun - sorta
i have to come to terms with sooo many things
- some are going ok, some still hurt - a lot

good thing i can focus on work - or rather - i need to focus on work

the worse thing out of everything - losing my best friend
it is sad that she can't understand or accept that i can't do some things
but i understand she has a very full plate on her hands and i wish her nothing but happiness

i miss certain things, certain routines
but in the end, i know head trumps heart
my heart is rubbish anyway

once again,
in the end it is every man for himself
if i don't look out for me, who else will?

my, my

how quickly they forget

sigh

"You smiled more when you did Medicine"
said my previous Medical Registrar from when I was a Medical HO

maybe cos i was a HO then...
or maybe cos i'm now a Surgical Registrar in the busiest Surgical department in the country
or maybe cos i don't have anything to smile about nowadays

take your pick

just read a post on reddit (can't believe i just said that) by a man whose wife committed suicide because she was depressed

there were heaps more posts by others about how suicide affected them

sigh

as much as i'm drawn to that
tempted to just stop the pain once and for all
i can't do that to my parents
mama and abah who have done everything for me
who continue to love me unconditionally despite all my rebellious ways

i guess i just have to continue
carry on
i just don't know how to feel anymore
nothing really excites me anymore
nothing really makes me happy, brings me joy
just have to carry on in this haze

i hate that i have nobody i can talk to
nobody i can share my day with

nobody i can tell what operations i did and assisted in
nobody i can tell about what the bosses said
or the latest goss
or how shit my day was

i used to have that
they've all turned out rubbish
people you cannot trust

sigh
just me, my thoughts and my tears

i wish i can say this to someone now
- cos God knows that now's the time i need to the most

but one day....

maybe one day I'll be able to say this to someone

maybe one day someone will say this to me

SECRET SMILE

- Semisonic. 1998

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So use it and prove it
Remove this whirling sadness
I'm losing, I'm bluesing
But you can save me from madness

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So save me I'm waiting
I'm needing, hear me pleading
And soothe me, improve me
I'm grieving, I'm barely believing now, now

When you are flying around and around the world
And I'm lying alonely
I know there's something sacred and free reserved
And received by me only

fucking epiphany!!!!

when i had first crushed hard on this guy, atiqah says i was being a shit cos i was putting him first before our friendship (which was really, really tight - i mean, we travelled together for fucks sake!)
according to her, it should have been bros before hos (or the girl-version of if, at least).
obviously that stung at the time

next thing i know the fucking bitch goes for coffee with him
thinking she was having a fling with him
being fully fucking aware i was still crushing hard on him

motherfucking hypocritical bitch!!!! - you broke the motherfucking code!!!

you don't "have a fling" with a guy you know your friend has the hots for
and then accuse me of not being a good friend
and acting all high-and-mighty just cos i was crushing on the guy

fucking epiphany!

you really can't trust people these days

you do NOT go for the person you friend likes
that's so obviously off-limits!

needless to say - i don't trust atiqah anymore
not when she can accuse me of doing something exactly the moment she was doing it herself

ok - that's one friendship preserved
glad we talked

on another note:

as if it wasn't hard enough to get over one guy, i now have to figure out how to get over TWO!

i guess it's easy

one is waaay toooo good for me - he was settling, the poor guy

the other was always a superficial fling taken too seriously that was going nowhere

oh well, here's to more cries and painful days

how will i love someone

or have someone love me

when i don't even love myself?

how do i love me?

all i see are the flaws

i struggle to see anything to love

how do i love me?

wow.
i truly, TRULY am alone

if you have that one person you can tell your deepest, darkest pains to - you're lucky.
someone you can bare your soul to

you are fortunate if you have that person - that true person for life
hold that person tightly for it is truly the most precious thing you'll ever have

having to keep everything in can only last you so long
after that it eats at you
but i just have to carry on
i'm certain it'll lead me to an early grave - be it an MI or an ulcer

but there's nothing much you can do when you're alone

Monday

Monday will decide if we stay friends
or sadly, revert to colleagues/acquaintances

we shall see

on the plus side, i won't need the pill anymore

i miss my ex
he was good
most importantly, he was honest, he treated me like i was a queen

i've had to learn the hard way (as i usually do with my life lessons unfortunately)
i've had to learn that just because you're curious, doesn't mean it's good or worth it

my biggest problem is that i fall for the wrong people
the people who give me butterflies from the get-go
these are the guys i fall for
you'd think i'd learn
apparently i don't

take my ex
he didn't give me butterflies
not at the start at least - makes sense, given that him asking me out was not something i expected

but the butterflies came later
they were good butterflies
i should've trusted those butterflies
instead - i got scared and ran away

now i'll never have that again

but i know this latest development had to happen
stink that it happened the way it did
heart just hurts so much
but i'm glad it happened
now i can move on
i deserve better

so this is what it feels like to have your heart broken :'(

man, i thought i'd be out of tears by now

i mean, i should be right?

been crying everyday for quite a few months

sigh, oh well

here's what i think i need

• a lobotomy OR
• a really good fuck OR
• a real hug

i was right
i was naive
i'm too much hard work - so you wash your hands off me

i don't talk to outsiders cos i don't trust them - they don't know me
that's why i try to scream to you - my friends - for help
my, my....that was naive of me
i under-estimated how much hard work, how much of a nuisance i would be

that was an error on my part
i trusted "my inner circle"
ha ha ha! what a joke!
i keep forgetting it's every man for himself

that's ok. im trying to be less bitter about it

at least now i really know that when the time comes down to it
it's only mama and abah who would really be hurt by it
at least i've already delegated it to someone to tell them it's not their fault
i'm the one who was broken, who was faulty.

ok, and maybe work - they'd be affected cos we'd be short-staffed again
parents and work

time to work on that naivety - people have their own lives
they don't wanna know about yours - it's way too hard

how many other ways can i self-destruct

why do i keep forgetting that "friends" are superficial beings
they say you're homies, they say you're tight
they say "i'm here for you, just talk to me"
but the truest test comes down to when they need you the most and you them

sadly, this is where they reveal themselves
this is where it gets too difficult for them
they don't deliver

yes, it hurts - it fucking hurts
but i now understand
you don't want to add more shit to your already complicated, fulfilled life
that is fine

it just strengthens my belief - it is every man for himself
i just need to remind myself of this daily
because i still forget, and i still hold out for a glimpse of this so-called friendship
but no more.
when push-comes-to-shove, it is every man for himself



so maybe one day i'll learn to love myself
and maybe one day i'll finally stop crying

Finally....

i fucking did it!

it's been a long time coming, but i finally fucking did it!

it is the right time for it

wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
it's a different kind of pain - the initial piercing wasn't too bad, but the dull ache still remains

i like it. it's a different sort of pain to fuss about - and fuss i must, if i want to avoid cellulitis

it looks cool and it's a good pain =)