time to pick up the pieces.

i've been crying quite a bit the past few days - worse if a poignant song plays

the funny and weird thing is that i've lately wanted the whole thing

i found myself daydreaming - of a boy, meeting and getting along with my family, a wedding (and michael phelps is not the groom)

and then i shake myself out of is - realizing how fucking ridiculous this is!

and the other night - i dreamt i was happy! (how??) - and happy with H!

well i miss H - i really do

i'm selfish

i want him all to myself. i want him to wait for me

but i know that's ridiculous! it's also wrong

i know that he's already moved on and that he deserves better

H wants me to sever all ties with R

i totally get the rationale to this

i do think i can do it - won't be much of an issue

but what is the point?

H used to look at me with love in his eyes

now? - nothing

and again, i get it

he's just stoked that he's getting some

so i believe i do have the right motivation to move on:

a) he is completely and utterly moved on

b) he has never and will never trust me (i can understand this, i don't blame him - but i can't constantly be with him, knowing i will never be rid of that)

so it is time to rid myself of this sap and mush

it's quite obvious that this - and H - is not meant for me

i just have to remember the above

grow a pair, harden up and rely on nobody

i will get my life together

eat healthy and regular - if not daily - exercise

for i know this is the right way to concur this massive demon of mine

i must admit - i wish i was back to being that size 0

but i know very well that the 2 years of amenorrhoea was so very harmful

so i will do this the correct way - slow and steady

i mean, what's the rush? it's not like i have anybody to impress

and i will put all effort and energy into my career

what else is there to concentrate on?

lost my best friends and there isn't anybody to depend on

so i only have me to make things right.

time to replace a couple of photos with new ones...