humans are complex creatures aren't they...

especially the female humans...

hmmm...

if only i didn't have this many random thoughts...

if only i didn't have anything else to think about...

i think that's my goal for this coming year...

just concentrate on work...

all work and minimal play..

yeah, at least that'll decrease the risk of confusion, of pain

think only of work...nothing else

i hate feeling completely inferior...as if i dont already feel like a nothing...

its bad enough that there are times i feel stupid at work...

i hate it more when i talk to him...

i admit that i know next to nothing when it comes to computers/games/technology...

i just feel sooo stupid when he has to explain everything to me...

God! what must he think of me...:/

oh well...just suck it up, bitch!

i had a fear/hesitation about committing to something

reason for this fear/hesitation was pretty irrational and shallow

now this reason has morphed

i think i have come to terms with the aforementioned reason

i can deal with it - it's actually not a big deal (i think)

the fear/hesitation has now morphed into another reason

now i wonder if i can live up to it...

7/11 = 4/12

so, it seems i've been dating for 4/12 now..

odd, very odd...seeing as how i never expected to be in these shoes

i've fully expected to be on my own forever..

now he's in the picture.

weird...but i've grown to like him more than just a friend...

i always thought he was interesting...i thought we got along well - albeit online...

so i guess this makes a somewhat natural progression...

call it paranoia, call it lack of self-believe...

heck, call it my insane ability to sabotage any hint of "happiness"

but i somehow think i like him more than he likes me...maybe...gaah!

i knw this is insane...but i cant help it...

fucking retard!

i almost think i should hold back...

maybe be a bit more distant?

maybe just so i can bounce back easier when he realizes what a 'tard i am...

fuck i need to see a shrink!