wow.
i truly, TRULY am alone

if you have that one person you can tell your deepest, darkest pains to - you're lucky.
someone you can bare your soul to

you are fortunate if you have that person - that true person for life
hold that person tightly for it is truly the most precious thing you'll ever have

having to keep everything in can only last you so long
after that it eats at you
but i just have to carry on
i'm certain it'll lead me to an early grave - be it an MI or an ulcer

but there's nothing much you can do when you're alone

Monday

Monday will decide if we stay friends
or sadly, revert to colleagues/acquaintances

we shall see

on the plus side, i won't need the pill anymore

i miss my ex
he was good
most importantly, he was honest, he treated me like i was a queen

i've had to learn the hard way (as i usually do with my life lessons unfortunately)
i've had to learn that just because you're curious, doesn't mean it's good or worth it

my biggest problem is that i fall for the wrong people
the people who give me butterflies from the get-go
these are the guys i fall for
you'd think i'd learn
apparently i don't

take my ex
he didn't give me butterflies
not at the start at least - makes sense, given that him asking me out was not something i expected

but the butterflies came later
they were good butterflies
i should've trusted those butterflies
instead - i got scared and ran away

now i'll never have that again

but i know this latest development had to happen
stink that it happened the way it did
heart just hurts so much
but i'm glad it happened
now i can move on
i deserve better

so this is what it feels like to have your heart broken :'(

man, i thought i'd be out of tears by now

i mean, i should be right?

been crying everyday for quite a few months

sigh, oh well

here's what i think i need

• a lobotomy OR
• a really good fuck OR
• a real hug

i was right
i was naive
i'm too much hard work - so you wash your hands off me

i don't talk to outsiders cos i don't trust them - they don't know me
that's why i try to scream to you - my friends - for help
my, my....that was naive of me
i under-estimated how much hard work, how much of a nuisance i would be

that was an error on my part
i trusted "my inner circle"
ha ha ha! what a joke!
i keep forgetting it's every man for himself

that's ok. im trying to be less bitter about it

at least now i really know that when the time comes down to it
it's only mama and abah who would really be hurt by it
at least i've already delegated it to someone to tell them it's not their fault
i'm the one who was broken, who was faulty.

ok, and maybe work - they'd be affected cos we'd be short-staffed again
parents and work

time to work on that naivety - people have their own lives
they don't wanna know about yours - it's way too hard

how many other ways can i self-destruct

why do i keep forgetting that "friends" are superficial beings
they say you're homies, they say you're tight
they say "i'm here for you, just talk to me"
but the truest test comes down to when they need you the most and you them

sadly, this is where they reveal themselves
this is where it gets too difficult for them
they don't deliver

yes, it hurts - it fucking hurts
but i now understand
you don't want to add more shit to your already complicated, fulfilled life
that is fine

it just strengthens my belief - it is every man for himself
i just need to remind myself of this daily
because i still forget, and i still hold out for a glimpse of this so-called friendship
but no more.
when push-comes-to-shove, it is every man for himself



so maybe one day i'll learn to love myself
and maybe one day i'll finally stop crying

Finally....

i fucking did it!

it's been a long time coming, but i finally fucking did it!

it is the right time for it

wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
it's a different kind of pain - the initial piercing wasn't too bad, but the dull ache still remains

i like it. it's a different sort of pain to fuss about - and fuss i must, if i want to avoid cellulitis

it looks cool and it's a good pain =)