i don't usually (or ever for that matter) wish badness upon others

but this time it's different

i do wish you would fail on this endeavour of yours
that's right - i wish you failure on this endeavour!

therapy has begun - sorta
i have to come to terms with sooo many things
- some are going ok, some still hurt - a lot

good thing i can focus on work - or rather - i need to focus on work

the worse thing out of everything - losing my best friend
it is sad that she can't understand or accept that i can't do some things
but i understand she has a very full plate on her hands and i wish her nothing but happiness

i miss certain things, certain routines
but in the end, i know head trumps heart
my heart is rubbish anyway

once again,
in the end it is every man for himself
if i don't look out for me, who else will?

my, my

how quickly they forget

sigh

"You smiled more when you did Medicine"
said my previous Medical Registrar from when I was a Medical HO

maybe cos i was a HO then...
or maybe cos i'm now a Surgical Registrar in the busiest Surgical department in the country
or maybe cos i don't have anything to smile about nowadays

take your pick

just read a post on reddit (can't believe i just said that) by a man whose wife committed suicide because she was depressed

there were heaps more posts by others about how suicide affected them

sigh

as much as i'm drawn to that
tempted to just stop the pain once and for all
i can't do that to my parents
mama and abah who have done everything for me
who continue to love me unconditionally despite all my rebellious ways

i guess i just have to continue
carry on
i just don't know how to feel anymore
nothing really excites me anymore
nothing really makes me happy, brings me joy
just have to carry on in this haze

i hate that i have nobody i can talk to
nobody i can share my day with

nobody i can tell what operations i did and assisted in
nobody i can tell about what the bosses said
or the latest goss
or how shit my day was

i used to have that
they've all turned out rubbish
people you cannot trust

sigh
just me, my thoughts and my tears

i wish i can say this to someone now
- cos God knows that now's the time i need to the most

but one day....

maybe one day I'll be able to say this to someone

maybe one day someone will say this to me

SECRET SMILE

- Semisonic. 1998

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So use it and prove it
Remove this whirling sadness
I'm losing, I'm bluesing
But you can save me from madness

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So save me I'm waiting
I'm needing, hear me pleading
And soothe me, improve me
I'm grieving, I'm barely believing now, now

When you are flying around and around the world
And I'm lying alonely
I know there's something sacred and free reserved
And received by me only

fucking epiphany!!!!

when i had first crushed hard on this guy, atiqah says i was being a shit cos i was putting him first before our friendship (which was really, really tight - i mean, we travelled together for fucks sake!)
according to her, it should have been bros before hos (or the girl-version of if, at least).
obviously that stung at the time

next thing i know the fucking bitch goes for coffee with him
thinking she was having a fling with him
being fully fucking aware i was still crushing hard on him

motherfucking hypocritical bitch!!!! - you broke the motherfucking code!!!

you don't "have a fling" with a guy you know your friend has the hots for
and then accuse me of not being a good friend
and acting all high-and-mighty just cos i was crushing on the guy

fucking epiphany!

you really can't trust people these days

you do NOT go for the person you friend likes
that's so obviously off-limits!

needless to say - i don't trust atiqah anymore
not when she can accuse me of doing something exactly the moment she was doing it herself

ok - that's one friendship preserved
glad we talked

on another note:

as if it wasn't hard enough to get over one guy, i now have to figure out how to get over TWO!

i guess it's easy

one is waaay toooo good for me - he was settling, the poor guy

the other was always a superficial fling taken too seriously that was going nowhere

oh well, here's to more cries and painful days

how will i love someone

or have someone love me

when i don't even love myself?

how do i love me?

all i see are the flaws

i struggle to see anything to love

how do i love me?