happiness is not a fish that you can catch...

...."Talking is just masturbating, Without the mess"....-Raine Maida-

someone close to my heart, a great, smart friend told me last night tht no-one can ever be on a constant high...simple and obvious as tht may seem, i think it was only then tht it hit home..it took a while, bt it finally got drilled into my thick, stubborn skull! and i am ever so grateful and thankful that i have a friend who cares enough to check up on me - despite the tasman separating us - to make sure i dont tip-off the ledge and fall into the deep, dark pit of helplessness and despair tht i've had the unfortunate experience of going thru....

when it comes down to it, im quite sure im essentially shocked & pissed-off at myself for being this weakling who has dark thoughts, who's depressed - though not clinically as stated by the DSM-IV - and who's self-loathe & self-pity is slowly destroying the person she always thought she was....

wht i mean by that is tht, i've always thought i was this happy-go-lucky person....pretty much someone on a constant hypomanic state - again, not clinically as stated in the DSM-IV -....well, so much for tht personality trait...again, wht pisses me off, is tht im more confused now than i ever was as to who the hell i am! gosh...how infuriating! bt then again, i think back to Dr. H Seth - the consultant psychiatrist i was working with while at the MasonClinic - and wht he said....he said, how do we really diagnose personality disorders?...most of us only finally figure out our true personalities in our mid-lifes, - and tht's if we're lucky! - when we've had heaps of life-esperiences to guide us and shape us into the men and women we will become...

does tht make sense to u?

so i guess, wht it might boil down to is tht...i've had a good run at life...my theory tht my life had peaked in imu - the bell curve trend beginning in form4 - and tht it's only downhill from here on out, would most likely just be the cynic in me talking...hmm...tough and near-impossible as it looks to be, i think i've gotta rid myself of tht bloody cynic & pessimist tht i knw i am...hmm...not particularly bright propects there...bugger!...

oh well...juz like the brilliant forrest gump said -
"life is like a box of chocolates. you never know wht you're gonna get"
i think if life was all up,up and up....it wouldn't be life, now would it? where would the challenge be? if we always know tht things would always look up, tht the sky would always be bright and sunny, would we ever strive to better ourselves?

and so, i guess i've been on a so-called high for quite awhile...and unfortunately for me, its time i came crashing down - down into the bloody pits! -...its juz my luck tht my "down-moments" have to be as low as this - go figure! -....and i guess my purpose for the moment, my purpose for the now, is to pull myself out of this pit, put of this annoying funk i'm in and hope tht at the end of this, i'll look back and thank ALLAH tht i survived it! thank Him tht i turned out a stronger person...and tht my friends, is wht i truly believe to be my current purpose - along with praying to Him and passing my bloody 5th yr finals! -

now if only i can always remember all this...so tht i can quickly recover if i happen to relapse again - like i did the other day - and NOT shop for a sterile blade and NOT punch a hole in my bedroom wall....