i want him

i want it

i want us

sadly, 

i know i'm not ready for it yet

i'll just break it again :(

true to form, i've ruined the one good - no, great - thing i had going in my life.

good job, nana!

once again, you've stopped yourself from being happy.

you succumbed to your mindfucks. 

good luck getting that great thing back

men in suits

oh.my.gawd!

Finally truly listened to "Shake It Out" by Florence + The Machine
Don't think I've connected with a song in a long while...the last one was probably "Adam's Song"

"Regrets collect like old friends, 

Here to relive your darkest moments, 

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool, I've been blind,

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around"

I know the song goes on...
But I'm yet to follow through with it...
I'm still pre-chorus, still pre-dawn...

"All of these questions such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground

So I like to keep my issues drawn

But it's always darkest before the dawn..

And I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't

And here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope

It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat

Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me.

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa,

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa,

And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back,

So shake him off, oh whoa"

Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to shake it off

hmmm....this is harder than i thought it would be..
crap

hmmm....

feels like things have not changed one damn bit

i'm with the same bunch of people

texting the same bunch,

doing the same bunch of things

having the same bunch of fun

so, someone tell me what the point of this is?

humans are complex creatures aren't they...

especially the female humans...

hmmm...

if only i didn't have this many random thoughts...

if only i didn't have anything else to think about...

i think that's my goal for this coming year...

just concentrate on work...

all work and minimal play..

yeah, at least that'll decrease the risk of confusion, of pain

think only of work...nothing else

i hate feeling completely inferior...as if i dont already feel like a nothing...

its bad enough that there are times i feel stupid at work...

i hate it more when i talk to him...

i admit that i know next to nothing when it comes to computers/games/technology...

i just feel sooo stupid when he has to explain everything to me...

God! what must he think of me...:/

oh well...just suck it up, bitch!

i had a fear/hesitation about committing to something

reason for this fear/hesitation was pretty irrational and shallow

now this reason has morphed

i think i have come to terms with the aforementioned reason

i can deal with it - it's actually not a big deal (i think)

the fear/hesitation has now morphed into another reason

now i wonder if i can live up to it...

7/11 = 4/12

so, it seems i've been dating for 4/12 now..

odd, very odd...seeing as how i never expected to be in these shoes

i've fully expected to be on my own forever..

now he's in the picture.

weird...but i've grown to like him more than just a friend...

i always thought he was interesting...i thought we got along well - albeit online...

so i guess this makes a somewhat natural progression...

call it paranoia, call it lack of self-believe...

heck, call it my insane ability to sabotage any hint of "happiness"

but i somehow think i like him more than he likes me...maybe...gaah!

i knw this is insane...but i cant help it...

fucking retard!

i almost think i should hold back...

maybe be a bit more distant?

maybe just so i can bounce back easier when he realizes what a 'tard i am...

fuck i need to see a shrink!