humans are complex creatures aren't they...

especially the female humans...

hmmm...

if only i didn't have this many random thoughts...

if only i didn't have anything else to think about...

i think that's my goal for this coming year...

just concentrate on work...

all work and minimal play..

yeah, at least that'll decrease the risk of confusion, of pain

think only of work...nothing else

i hate feeling completely inferior...as if i dont already feel like a nothing...

its bad enough that there are times i feel stupid at work...

i hate it more when i talk to him...

i admit that i know next to nothing when it comes to computers/games/technology...

i just feel sooo stupid when he has to explain everything to me...

God! what must he think of me...:/

oh well...just suck it up, bitch!

i had a fear/hesitation about committing to something

reason for this fear/hesitation was pretty irrational and shallow

now this reason has morphed

i think i have come to terms with the aforementioned reason

i can deal with it - it's actually not a big deal (i think)

the fear/hesitation has now morphed into another reason

now i wonder if i can live up to it...

7/11 = 4/12

so, it seems i've been dating for 4/12 now..

odd, very odd...seeing as how i never expected to be in these shoes

i've fully expected to be on my own forever..

now he's in the picture.

weird...but i've grown to like him more than just a friend...

i always thought he was interesting...i thought we got along well - albeit online...

so i guess this makes a somewhat natural progression...

call it paranoia, call it lack of self-believe...

heck, call it my insane ability to sabotage any hint of "happiness"

but i somehow think i like him more than he likes me...maybe...gaah!

i knw this is insane...but i cant help it...

fucking retard!

i almost think i should hold back...

maybe be a bit more distant?

maybe just so i can bounce back easier when he realizes what a 'tard i am...

fuck i need to see a shrink!

7/10 = 3/12

today is 7th october

3 months ago, on 7th of july,

we went on our first date :):):)

it was a really cool place - "the bee" -

a place i'd like to go to again...

7/10 = 3/12

how cool is that! :)

i'm glad i agreed to it :)

i like my life here...

heck - this is where my life is....

having said that......there are times when being here is a hindrance...

• family matters - i cant be there when i need to be...:(
• boy
• mamak shops!!!!

oh well....i best be making some lemonade, aye?

october 5th

today is october 5th

3 months ago, on july 5th - we had our first drinks together

completely awkward!

it was at mcd's curve...he yawned throughout and was extremely quiet!

i on the other hand, was extremely noisy! - compensating for the awkwardness and my own nervousness...

it wasn't the date we planned....'twas just the warm-up drinks! LOL

my, how things have progressed....:)

lyrics so sexy! :)

Just shoot for the stars
If it feels right
And aim for my heart
If you feel like
And take me away and make it OK
I swear I'll behave

You wanted control
So we waited
I put on a show
Now I'm naked
You say I'm a kid
My ego is big
I don't give a shit
And it goes like this

Take me by the tongue
And I'll know you
Kiss me 'til you're drunk
And I'll show you

All the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger

I don't need to try to control you
Look into my eyes and I'll own you

With the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger

Baby it's hard
When you feel like you're broken and scarred
Nothing feels right
But when you're with me
I make you believe
That I've got the key

So get in the car
We can ride it
Wherever you want
Get excited
And you want to steer
But I'm shifting gears
I'll take it from here
And it goes like this

Take me by the tongue
And I'll know you
Kiss me 'til you're drunk
And I'll show you

All the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger

I don't need to try to control you
Look into my eyes and I'll own you

With the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger (Yeah)
I've got the moves like Jagger

You want to know how to make me smile
Take control, own me just for the night
But if I share my secret
You're gonna have to keep it
Nobody else can see this

So watch and learn
I won't show you twice
Head to toe, oh baby, rub me right
But if I share my secret
You're gonna have to keep it
Nobody else can see this

And it goes like this

Take me by the tongue (Take me by the tongoe)
And I'll know you
Kiss me 'til you're drunk
And I'll show you

All the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger

I don't need to try to control you
Look into my eyes and I'll own you

With the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger

this trip..

back for raya....

back for family....

back to a boy....:) - i knw! who would've thunk it! i never thought i'd say this!

u know the saying "never look a gift horse in it's mouth"....

yeah well....i know that....

but still.....i can't help but continue to be gobsmacked by it all....

still can't figure out how and why and what he sees in me....

my cynical side is working overtime! i mean, this guy seems WAY TOO GOOD! that it just doesn't seem real...

but he's definitely growing on me....and yeah...it helps that he's funny....;)

we're oh sooo very different...and yet, we're oh so alike....

im still trying....trying not too over-think things as usual...

trying not to think of the worst-case scenarios (as i usually do)....

so yeah....dating....

OMG..me, nana...I'm DATING!!!!!! :p

long, LONG-distance dating....

good GOD....let's see what happens....

OmgOmgOmgOmg!!!

i think im over R2!

YAY!!!! :):):)

so....

life is good...i think....

personally and professionally....

at least i'd like to think so....:)

10days - too short!

so i've literally just got back to my flat in auckland from a good 10-day trip back to good ol kl...

and my, my was that an interesting trip....

• the solemnization and wedding reception of my beautiful girl sally...
• nurul's wedding reception
• kl night out with my girls and bal! - thanks to which im now such a fan of SkyBar in KL's Traders Hotel...
• the usuals!!!! - how can this ever not be a good thing...

and there's that interesting development....hmmm....

oh well...watch this space....:)

so libz is having a gathering/drinks at her new place tmrw nite....

can't go cos us girls have already made catch-up plans....

so i just got a text from libz asking me if i was going tmrw..

"U coming tomorrow? R2 wants u 2, and so do we :-)"

and no, she obviously didn't write r2...she wrote his name

HAHAHAHAHAH......

yes, i know its nothing to shout out about....

we're friends..

but oh well.....dinner plans (made prior to this, btw) trumps!

disclaimer:

r1 and r2 are that way based on chronological order....NOT preference ranking...

and btw.....

r1 suddenly looks cute again....HAHAHAHAH....

sooo....

R2 will be in singapore for a few weeks during the Raya period

to visit his girlfriend's family (finally! after 4yrs!)

the timing coincides with the 2 weeks i'll be in kl

so i asked him to come up to kl..

i mean, what else can u do with 4 friggin week in singapore!

he said he'll consider it...

nice...

takpe laa....even if the gf comes along...

would be a good way to purge myself off him :)

i try to stop texting cold turkey...

but either something that needs texting comes up

OR

HE texts first...

mehh...

STOP READING TOO MUCH INTO IT!

x-men: first class

WHOA!!!!

sooo goood!!!

good acting...

very, very hot men...

suddenly things make sense...

plus, i love the cameos and the small roles by big names :)

perfection

so he's a chocoholic too!

gaaah!!! another plus for him...

still need to find the flaw!!!

(well, other than the fact that he's in a committed relationship, that it)

so we met up for food again...

just 4 days after the last time

(ie: monday, and today is friday)

yes, yes...

COMPLETEly platonic...

we did ask my homies to come along..

diorang yang taknak...

i really really really need to get over him

i think i may be...

i hope, i wish...

cos i know it aint going nowhere!

but he's sooooo funny!!!! :):):)

but naah...we may be at that comfy "friend" stage..

hmmm....

HANGOVER II =)

Funny, FUNNY MOVIE!!!

i mean, in all fairness, NOTHING can be better that the original HANGOVER

the same formula - duh!

BUT....

adapted brilliantly to the situation,

ie: it's BANGKOK bitches!!!

some scenes wigged me out...

but otherwise...

definitely brought on the LOLs....;)

Holla, City of Squala!!

soo last year! :)

OmgOmgOmg!

im sooo over R1 :)

i see him everyday and...

NOTHING! NADA! ZIP! ZILCH! ZERO! :)

i mean i still say he is a good-looking man

and really good surgically and clinically

(yes, see how the hero-worship first started)

BUT....

i can't figure out what it is about him

that made me go GaGa and giggly like a 16-yr old high school female!

BOOM! :):)

now time to really wean-off R2

(managed NOT to text him today!

THAT is what i call progress!)

right...

what did i get myself into now!!!

uncertain:

so...i now have his photo on my phone...

and its all HIS fault!

sad:

vincent's leaving for palmy tmrw...:(

happy:

he's got a spare room in the place he may move into in palmy...

can anybody say ROADTRIP!!! :)

wigged out:

my beloved BFF has decided to make it her mission to find me a good malay boy...

can anybody say ERRR....

this is so NOT helping my cause!

lolz.....from texting to whatsapp?

HAHAHAHA

so the more i hang out with him (we just had lunch in the city together)

and text/talk to him...

i think we're in that "friend-zone"...

and i think i can be good friends with him...

i think im getting over the acute-phase crushing on him...

so yeah...

that's a good thing....:)

boys = monkeys!

i finally sleep at 4am....

then i suddenly hear not 1, but THREE text messages come thru consecutively....

here i am wondering "damn, is it time to wake up already?"

followed by "why on earth is there 3 texts in a row??

then i find that im not surprised that HE's doing it...

like he has done in the past...what a monkey!

and he doesnt stop!

i haven't even had a chance to reply and he texts summore!

doesnt matter that i've only been asleep for 3 hours....

training me it seems....

since i wanna do Gen Surg....

this is exactly what he did when he texted me at 4am last time!

boys = monkeys!

nak bleh tak?

i wanna be 40kgs again..

but WITHOUT the amenorrhea...

ok laa...seems drastic....

i'd be happy with 45kgs...

hmmmm.....

definitely need to do that EuroTrip next year...

cos then if my friends wont do it for me this year,

i'm gonna have to try and get me some of those less-than-legal diet pills...

yes, i am aware that i may have hepatotoxicity due to the pills...but hey, the liver regenerates, no?

and yes, rapid weight loss and gain could lead to cholelithiasis....

i can avoid that cant it?

hmmmm....

No, it is NOT weird being his HO

even though the last time we met,

he gave me a hickie

After all, it is only for 2 weeks...

and im SOOO over him...:)

detox...

its been 4 days since i last laid eyes on R2

last saw him 1.30am sat mane...

today is the first day i've not texted him...

ok...detox starting off on a good start?

- obviously im secretly wishing he'd text me :) -

*sigh*

so the universe has played a joke on me...

i've just been moved from the "perfect R" - Ramez -

and on to the "other R" - Roberto -

LOL

i finally got me a proper coat!!!!

after 3 years of wanting one....i decided on this beauty! :):)

almost...

Almost got him out to town last night...

he seemed keen in the mane...

then when nobody heard nothing about any end-of-run plans...he didn't seem too keen no more..

i tried..but i wouldn't blame him....

i'd do the same if i were him...

so close...yet so far....

this week in retrospect....

Tuesday - scrubbed with Mr Martin (as previously blogged)...

Thursday -

• Mr Harman knows my name
• Mr Harman was praising me! - didnt have any issues!
• Mr Harman said he's give me a reference should I need it for SET applications!!!! :):)
• long day ecc....BUT GOT TO DO IT WITH RAMEZ!!!! :):):)

Friday -

• decent pawr.....
• got out of my long day!!!!! :):):)
• dinner at peter's
• out to ponsonby after with the blondes and ramez and vincent...
• WENT NEXT DOOR WITH RAMEZ TO DANCE!!! - they were playing an awesome mix of old-school hiphop/r&b!!!
• sadly, we werent dancing with each other.....but he was sooo delish! :):)
• we didnt hug goodbye though....=( why didn't i do that!!!!! i'll forever regret that moment...:(

gonna miss the boys....='(

maybe it's good.....i may now be able to get over ramez.....it's gonna be worse than the roberto debacle.....=(

*sobsobsob*

team love!

the drama this week was me trying very hard to swap out of my friday ward calls so i can go to peter's team end-of-run do at his house...

i absolutely LOVE my team!!!

they were all rooting for me to swap out of it!

peter even quietly suggested i "called in sick" - which i obviously cant, cos i cant dump on the other HO like that...

vincent was also apparently asking around yesterday - if anyone wanted to do it (as expected, no takers)...

so today, even libby - the cow who always has an alterior motive - was trying to help out...in fact, it was she who suggested i ask hank!

and lo-and-behold....HANK agreed!!!!

sooo.....after post-acute friday, i'll hold the pager till he gets to nsh...

THEN I JOIN MY TEAM AT PETER's HOUSE!!!!

*ramez fist-bumped me when i told him*

peter was also stoked....

im sooo honoured that my team really likes me and wants me there....:):)

scrubbed!

guess what i got to do today....

mr martin wanted me to scrub in on the 2nd skin case...

so i got to use the dermatome (YAY!) for an SSG...

then prepped it and helped with the SSG itself...

and then...

did a punch on the lip...and stitched it up...:):)

boss was definitely in a good mood today!!! AND praised us...:) he knew i did the carbunkle excision the other day...

BOOM!!! :):)

AND.....

he apparently praised me and called me "dedicated" following my arvo shift before my nites..

SCORE!!! :):)

so last thursday i brilliantly decided to do a 16-hr shift...

locum the 4-10pm ecc admits then on to my final nite shift from10pm-8am....:)

all this after only 4 hours sleep.....smart move ey? :)

i thought it was gonna be awesome having garth aka mcSteamy! as the senior reg on...

as luck would have it he swapped shifts...and i had ramez as the senior!

uber awesome!!!! :):)

AND.....as if that wasn't awesome enough....

i started by assisting in the lap appendix - got to hold the camera for him and close...:)

AND....i did my very own carbuncle excision!!!!

score!!!

BOOM!!! :):)

perfect.....but there's a catch obviously

i am severely in-like with the perfect guy...

and i do mean PERFECT!

• brilliant sense of humour! (cos we knw that's oh-so-very important to me)
• good-looking
• hot bod - as far as i can guess from the scrubs
• humble, unassuming, non-judgmental
• sensitive
• great music taste!
• SURGEON - well, almost there - i mean, he's in set4 now...with exams next year

off course there's a catch to this perfect dude...

HE'S IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP!

yup, story of my life....=(

must.lose.weight!!!!!

in effort to heal, im coming to the conclusion that it's good that he and i did NOT hook up...

i AM worth more...and i deserve better!

**ok....now jz gotta put this on replay and truly believe this...and get over the bruised ego**

hmmm.......i'd rather not go back to my ano days....

where can i find me some diet pills that work..?

there is something seriously wrong with this picture...
i am quite often surrounded by people....
good people, people im proud to call mi amigos...
yet....im empty...
i feel soo cold and alone...
the smiles are fake....i knw they are for they don't reach my eyes...

i constantly wanna crawl into a ball, get into the foetal position and cry...
i wanna grab tht scalpel i stare at everyday and cut the pain away...

it has to be super odd when the songs i identify most with right now are:
1) blink 182's adams song
2) pixies's i bleed

as if it'll make much difference if im here of not...
i jz wish my parents would understand tht its NOT their fault....