this is me...

2011-11-18T13:39:00.001+13:00

humans are complex creatures aren't they...

especially the female humans...

hmmm...

if only i didn't have this many random thoughts...

if only i didn't have anything else to think about...

i think that's my goal for this coming year...

just concentrate on work...

all work and minimal play..

yeah, at least that'll decrease the risk of confusion, of pain

think only of work...nothing else

2011-11-15T02:55:00.004+13:00

i hate feeling completely inferior...as if i dont already feel like a nothing...

its bad enough that there are times i feel stupid at work...

i hate it more when i talk to him...

i admit that i know next to nothing when it comes to computers/games/technology...

i just feel sooo stupid when he has to explain everything to me...

God! what must he think of me...:/

oh well...just suck it up, bitch!

2011-11-09T17:35:00.003+13:00

i had a fear/hesitation about committing to something

reason for this fear/hesitation was pretty irrational and shallow

now this reason has morphed

i think i have come to terms with the aforementioned reason

i can deal with it - it's actually not a big deal (i think)

the fear/hesitation has now morphed into another reason

now i wonder if i can live up to it...

7/11 = 4/12

2011-11-07T17:06:00.003+13:00

so, it seems i've been dating for 4/12 now..

odd, very odd...seeing as how i never expected to be in these shoes

i've fully expected to be on my own forever..

now he's in the picture.

weird...but i've grown to like him more than just a friend...

i always thought he was interesting...i thought we got along well - albeit online...

so i guess this makes a somewhat natural progression...

call it paranoia, call it lack of self-believe...

heck, call it my insane ability to sabotage any hint of "happiness"

but i somehow think i like him more than he likes me...maybe...gaah!

i knw this is insane...but i cant help it...

fucking retard!

i almost think i should hold back...

maybe be a bit more distant?

maybe just so i can bounce back easier when he realizes what a 'tard i am...

fuck i need to see a shrink!

7/10 = 3/12

2011-10-07T13:31:00.002+13:00

today is 7th october

3 months ago, on 7th of july,

we went on our first date :):):)

it was a really cool place - "the bee" -

a place i'd like to go to again...

7/10 = 3/12

how cool is that! :)

i'm glad i agreed to it :)

2011-10-05T13:18:00.003+13:00

i like my life here...

heck - this is where my life is....

having said that......there are times when being here is a hindrance...

family matters - i cant be there when i need to be...:(
boy
mamak shops!!!!

oh well....i best be making some lemonade, aye?

october 5th

2011-10-05T12:08:00.003+13:00

today is october 5th

3 months ago, on july 5th - we had our first drinks together

completely awkward!

it was at mcd's curve...he yawned throughout and was extremely quiet!

i on the other hand, was extremely noisy! - compensating for the awkwardness and my own nervousness...

it wasn't the date we planned....'twas just the warm-up drinks! LOL

my, how things have progressed....:)

lyrics so sexy! :)

2011-10-02T22:41:00.000+13:00

Just shoot for the stars
If it feels right
And aim for my heart
If you feel like
And take me away and make it OK
I swear I'll behave

You wanted control
So we waited
I put on a show
Now I'm naked
You say I'm a kid
My ego is big
I don't give a shit
And it goes like this

Take me by the tongue
And I'll know you
Kiss me 'til you're drunk
And I'll show you

All the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger

I don't need to try to control you
Look into my eyes and I'll own you

With the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger

Baby it's hard
When you feel like you're broken and scarred
Nothing feels right
But when you're with me
I make you believe
That I've got the key

So get in the car
We can ride it
Wherever you want
Get excited
And you want to steer
But I'm shifting gears
I'll take it from here
And it goes like this

Take me by the tongue
And I'll know you
Kiss me 'til you're drunk
And I'll show you

All the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger

I don't need to try to control you
Look into my eyes and I'll own you

With the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger (Yeah)
I've got the moves like Jagger

You want to know how to make me smile
Take control, own me just for the night
But if I share my secret
You're gonna have to keep it
Nobody else can see this

So watch and learn
I won't show you twice
Head to toe, oh baby, rub me right
But if I share my secret
You're gonna have to keep it
Nobody else can see this

And it goes like this

Take me by the tongue (Take me by the tongoe)
And I'll know you
Kiss me 'til you're drunk
And I'll show you

All the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger

I don't need to try to control you
Look into my eyes and I'll own you

With the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger

2011-09-10T06:20:00.004+12:00

this trip..

back for raya....

back for family....

back to a boy....:) - i knw! who would've thunk it! i never thought i'd say this!

u know the saying "never look a gift horse in it's mouth"....

yeah well....i know that....

but still.....i can't help but continue to be gobsmacked by it all....

still can't figure out how and why and what he sees in me....

my cynical side is working overtime! i mean, this guy seems WAY TOO GOOD! that it just doesn't seem real...

but he's definitely growing on me....and yeah...it helps that he's funny....;)

we're oh sooo very different...and yet, we're oh so alike....

im still trying....trying not too over-think things as usual...

trying not to think of the worst-case scenarios (as i usually do)....

so yeah....dating....

OMG..me, nana...I'm DATING!!!!!! :p

long, LONG-distance dating....

good GOD....let's see what happens....

2011-08-08T20:55:00.001+12:00

OmgOmgOmgOmg!!!

i think im over R2!

YAY!!!! :):):)

2011-07-24T10:31:00.001+12:00

so....

life is good...i think....

personally and professionally....

at least i'd like to think so....:)

10days - too short!

2011-07-10T11:48:00.002+12:00

so i've literally just got back to my flat in auckland from a good 10-day trip back to good ol kl...

and my, my was that an interesting trip....

the solemnization and wedding reception of my beautiful girl sally...
nurul's wedding reception
kl night out with my girls and bal! - thanks to which im now such a fan of SkyBar in KL's Traders Hotel...
the usuals!!!! - how can this ever not be a good thing...

and there's that interesting development....hmmm....

oh well...watch this space....:)

2011-06-23T21:57:00.004+12:00

so libz is having a gathering/drinks at her new place tmrw nite....

can't go cos us girls have already made catch-up plans....

so i just got a text from libz asking me if i was going tmrw..

"U coming tomorrow? R2 wants u 2, and so do we :-)"

and no, she obviously didn't write r2...she wrote his name

HAHAHAHAHAH......

yes, i know its nothing to shout out about....

we're friends..

but oh well.....dinner plans (made prior to this, btw) trumps!

disclaimer:

r1 and r2 are that way based on chronological order....NOT preference ranking...

and btw.....

r1 suddenly looks cute again....HAHAHAHAH....

2011-06-17T22:52:00.003+12:00

sooo....

R2 will be in singapore for a few weeks during the Raya period

to visit his girlfriend's family (finally! after 4yrs!)

the timing coincides with the 2 weeks i'll be in kl

so i asked him to come up to kl..

i mean, what else can u do with 4 friggin week in singapore!

he said he'll consider it...

nice...

takpe laa....even if the gf comes along...

would be a good way to purge myself off him :)

2011-06-16T20:16:00.001+12:00

i try to stop texting cold turkey...

but either something that needs texting comes up

HE texts first...

mehh...

STOP READING TOO MUCH INTO IT!

x-men: first class

2011-06-16T08:53:00.003+12:00

WHOA!!!!

sooo goood!!!

good acting...

very, very hot men...

suddenly things make sense...

plus, i love the cameos and the small roles by big names :)

perfection

2011-06-13T19:10:00.001+12:00

so he's a chocoholic too!

gaaah!!! another plus for him...

still need to find the flaw!!!

(well, other than the fact that he's in a committed relationship, that it)

2011-06-10T21:19:00.002+12:00

so we met up for food again...

just 4 days after the last time

(ie: monday, and today is friday)

yes, yes...

COMPLETEly platonic...

we did ask my homies to come along..

diorang yang taknak...

i really really really need to get over him

i think i may be...

i hope, i wish...

cos i know it aint going nowhere!

but he's sooooo funny!!!! :):):)

but naah...we may be at that comfy "friend" stage..

hmmm....

HANGOVER II =)

2011-06-10T11:45:00.003+12:00

Funny, FUNNY MOVIE!!!

i mean, in all fairness, NOTHING can be better that the original HANGOVER

the same formula - duh!

BUT....

adapted brilliantly to the situation,

ie: it's BANGKOK bitches!!!

some scenes wigged me out...

but otherwise...

definitely brought on the LOLs....;)

Holla, City of Squala!!

soo last year! :)

2011-06-10T00:30:00.003+12:00

OmgOmgOmg!

im sooo over R1 :)

i see him everyday and...

NOTHING! NADA! ZIP! ZILCH! ZERO! :)

i mean i still say he is a good-looking man

and really good surgically and clinically

(yes, see how the hero-worship first started)

BUT....

i can't figure out what it is about him

that made me go GaGa and giggly like a 16-yr old high school female!

BOOM! :):)

now time to really wean-off R2

(managed NOT to text him today!

THAT is what i call progress!)

2011-06-08T21:33:00.004+12:00

right...

what did i get myself into now!!!

2011-06-07T21:12:00.002+12:00

uncertain:

so...i now have his photo on my phone...

and its all HIS fault!

sad:

vincent's leaving for palmy tmrw...:(

happy:

he's got a spare room in the place he may move into in palmy...

can anybody say ROADTRIP!!! :)

wigged out:

my beloved BFF has decided to make it her mission to find me a good malay boy...

can anybody say ERRR....

2011-06-06T18:26:00.002+12:00

this is so NOT helping my cause!

lolz.....from texting to whatsapp?

HAHAHAHA

2011-06-06T13:54:00.001+12:00

so the more i hang out with him (we just had lunch in the city together)

and text/talk to him...

i think we're in that "friend-zone"...

and i think i can be good friends with him...

i think im getting over the acute-phase crushing on him...

so yeah...

that's a good thing....:)

boys = monkeys!

2011-06-05T22:33:00.003+12:00

i finally sleep at 4am....

then i suddenly hear not 1, but THREE text messages come thru consecutively....

here i am wondering "damn, is it time to wake up already?"

followed by "why on earth is there 3 texts in a row??

then i find that im not surprised that HE's doing it...

like he has done in the past...what a monkey!

and he doesnt stop!

i haven't even had a chance to reply and he texts summore!

doesnt matter that i've only been asleep for 3 hours....

training me it seems....

since i wanna do Gen Surg....

this is exactly what he did when he texted me at 4am last time!

boys = monkeys!

2011-06-02T21:47:00.002+12:00

nak bleh tak?

2011-06-02T19:36:00.002+12:00

i wanna be 40kgs again..

but WITHOUT the amenorrhea...

ok laa...seems drastic....

i'd be happy with 45kgs...

hmmmm.....

definitely need to do that EuroTrip next year...

cos then if my friends wont do it for me this year,

i'm gonna have to try and get me some of those less-than-legal diet pills...

yes, i am aware that i may have hepatotoxicity due to the pills...but hey, the liver regenerates, no?

and yes, rapid weight loss and gain could lead to cholelithiasis....

i can avoid that cant it?

hmmmm....

2011-05-31T18:27:00.002+12:00

No, it is NOT weird being his HO

even though the last time we met,

he gave me a hickie

After all, it is only for 2 weeks...

and im SOOO over him...:)

detox...

2011-05-31T17:29:00.003+12:00

its been 4 days since i last laid eyes on R2

last saw him 1.30am sat mane...

today is the first day i've not texted him...

ok...detox starting off on a good start?

- obviously im secretly wishing he'd text me :) -

*sigh*

2011-05-30T19:02:00.002+12:00

so the universe has played a joke on me...

i've just been moved from the "perfect R" - Ramez -

and on to the "other R" - Roberto -

LOL

2011-05-29T15:39:00.003+12:00

i finally got me a proper coat!!!!

after 3 years of wanting one....i decided on this beauty! :):)

almost...

2011-05-29T15:17:00.002+12:00

Almost got him out to town last night...

he seemed keen in the mane...

then when nobody heard nothing about any end-of-run plans...he didn't seem too keen no more..

i tried..but i wouldn't blame him....

i'd do the same if i were him...

so close...yet so far....

this week in retrospect....

2011-05-28T18:18:00.002+12:00

Tuesday - scrubbed with Mr Martin (as previously blogged)...

Thursday -

Mr Harman knows my name
Mr Harman was praising me! - didnt have any issues!
Mr Harman said he's give me a reference should I need it for SET applications!!!! :):)
long day ecc....BUT GOT TO DO IT WITH RAMEZ!!!! :):):)

Friday -

decent pawr.....
got out of my long day!!!!! :):):)
dinner at peter's
out to ponsonby after with the blondes and ramez and vincent...
WENT NEXT DOOR WITH RAMEZ TO DANCE!!! - they were playing an awesome mix of old-school hiphop/r&b!!!
sadly, we werent dancing with each other.....but he was sooo delish! :):)
we didnt hug goodbye though....=( why didn't i do that!!!!! i'll forever regret that moment...:(

gonna miss the boys....='(

maybe it's good.....i may now be able to get over ramez.....it's gonna be worse than the roberto debacle.....=(

*sobsobsob*

team love!

2011-05-25T20:03:00.003+12:00

the drama this week was me trying very hard to swap out of my friday ward calls so i can go to peter's team end-of-run do at his house...

i absolutely LOVE my team!!!

they were all rooting for me to swap out of it!

peter even quietly suggested i "called in sick" - which i obviously cant, cos i cant dump on the other HO like that...

vincent was also apparently asking around yesterday - if anyone wanted to do it (as expected, no takers)...

so today, even libby - the cow who always has an alterior motive - was trying to help out...in fact, it was she who suggested i ask hank!

and lo-and-behold....HANK agreed!!!!

sooo.....after post-acute friday, i'll hold the pager till he gets to nsh...

THEN I JOIN MY TEAM AT PETER's HOUSE!!!!

*ramez fist-bumped me when i told him*

peter was also stoked....

im sooo honoured that my team really likes me and wants me there....:):)

scrubbed!

2011-05-24T20:35:00.002+12:00

guess what i got to do today....

mr martin wanted me to scrub in on the 2nd skin case...

so i got to use the dermatome (YAY!) for an SSG...

then prepped it and helped with the SSG itself...

and then...

did a punch on the lip...and stitched it up...:):)

boss was definitely in a good mood today!!! AND praised us...:) he knew i did the carbunkle excision the other day...

BOOM!!! :):)

AND.....

he apparently praised me and called me "dedicated" following my arvo shift before my nites..

SCORE!!! :):)

2011-05-23T19:48:00.005+12:00

so last thursday i brilliantly decided to do a 16-hr shift...

locum the 4-10pm ecc admits then on to my final nite shift from10pm-8am....:)

all this after only 4 hours sleep.....smart move ey? :)

i thought it was gonna be awesome having garth aka mcSteamy! as the senior reg on...

as luck would have it he swapped shifts...and i had ramez as the senior!

uber awesome!!!! :):)

AND.....as if that wasn't awesome enough....

i started by assisting in the lap appendix - got to hold the camera for him and close...:)

AND....i did my very own carbuncle excision!!!!

score!!!

BOOM!!! :):)

perfect.....but there's a catch obviously

2011-05-22T19:10:00.004+12:00

i am severely in-like with the perfect guy...

and i do mean PERFECT!

brilliant sense of humour! (cos we knw that's oh-so-very important to me)
good-looking
hot bod - as far as i can guess from the scrubs
humble, unassuming, non-judgmental
sensitive
great music taste!
SURGEON - well, almost there - i mean, he's in set4 now...with exams next year

off course there's a catch to this perfect dude...

HE'S IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP!

yup, story of my life....=(

2011-04-06T21:22:00.000+12:00

must.lose.weight!!!!!

2011-03-29T15:48:00.002+13:00

in effort to heal, im coming to the conclusion that it's good that he and i did NOT hook up...

i AM worth more...and i deserve better!

**ok....now jz gotta put this on replay and truly believe this...and get over the bruised ego**

2011-03-16T19:54:00.001+13:00

hmmm.......i'd rather not go back to my ano days....

where can i find me some diet pills that work..?

2011-02-20T11:52:00.000+13:00

there is something seriously wrong with this picture...
i am quite often surrounded by people....
good people, people im proud to call mi amigos...
yet....im empty...
i feel soo cold and alone...
the smiles are fake....i knw they are for they don't reach my eyes...

i constantly wanna crawl into a ball, get into the foetal position and cry...
i wanna grab tht scalpel i stare at everyday and cut the pain away...

it has to be super odd when the songs i identify most with right now are:
1) blink 182's adams song
2) pixies's i bleed

as if it'll make much difference if im here of not...
i jz wish my parents would understand tht its NOT their fault....

i want....

2010-07-24T22:12:00.002+12:00

career options:

surgical: ORLHNS
medical: gastroenterologist (???)

love:

danny zucko who swims, loves music and gives me chocolate and mixtapes!

i know i sound like im stuck in the 90s, but i really dig the whole mixtape/mix-cd scene...im quite sure i'd melt....:):)

best songs about love....

2010-07-05T22:55:00.008+12:00

im gonna start listing what i think are the best love songs written:

patti smith (+ springsteen) - because the night
bryan adams - have you ever really loved a woman
bon jovi - always
elvis - can't help falling in love with you
beatles - love
bruno mars - just the way you are
the cure/311/adele - love song

trivia....

2010-04-19T20:57:00.001+12:00

how did one kid who hated getting his face wet and another who was allergic to chlorine end up becoming 2 of the greatest champions??

repertoire

2010-04-18T15:20:00.006+12:00

music i plan on exploring....

smashing pumpkins
hole - i already have 1 cd which i love...
david bowie's ziggy stardust
the soundtrack to Singles
lupe fiasco
i am giant

Daughtry - Rebel Yell (Billy Idol Cover)

2010-03-23T20:13:00.000+13:00

now THIS is a cover!!! daughtry rocks idol...awesome....:)

soundtracks i really, REALLY like! :)

2010-03-08T22:17:00.003+13:00

1st gig of 2010...

2010-03-04T16:04:00.002+13:00

it's 4pm now....
3 hours to go before the doors open..
then i rush in to go as close as humanly possible to the stage....:)

hola PARAMORE!!!! :)

2010-03-02T21:22:00.001+13:00

pak uda had an MI early last night....
3VD...85-90% blockage...
PCI x3 on thursday...

insyallah he'll be sweet....

smiles for today....

2010-02-25T15:46:00.001+13:00

yummy lunch + mocha at bar italia with the AT+R crew...:)
lunch included the yummy ANDY BAKER...:)

smiles for today...

2010-02-23T19:27:00.004+13:00

started the day with andy baker smiling...:)
spotted the mistake my consultant made - he charted flucloxacillin for my patient with a penicillin allergy!....score one for me! :)
saw tim elliot at lunch again - he was smiling...:)
saw VideoEzy guy again!
got me She's All That!!! - it's Freddie!!!! :):)

this is such a drool-worthy day! :)

smiles for today...

2010-02-22T18:01:00.002+13:00

tim elliot....:) and tom...
elliot stabler from season2 s.v.u.
vicky christina barcelona - javier bardem
home on time! :)

smiles for today...

2010-02-18T19:17:00.000+13:00

bitch-fest with the registrars...:)
got my vampire weekend tickets!!! :)

smiles for today...

2010-02-17T18:29:00.001+13:00

soundtrack for today - incubus
finished at 3pm....
left work at 4pm on the dot! :)

smiles for today...

2010-02-16T19:39:00.000+13:00

andy baker
the dude at VideoEzy

qualms of the day...

2010-02-15T17:49:00.004+13:00

ANGER is the status quo....
i just feel angry at everything....
though i do smile, i can laugh...
i still also wanna SCREAM!, i wanna hit something/someone...
i wanna cry...i want a hug....i wanna cut....
suddenly that BLADE in my dresser looks soooo very tempting...

add to that, my michael phelps book got ruined - now it'll forever have stains...

ok...think happy thoughts nana....

errr.....i saw andy baker....:)
i bought my john mayer tickets...
vampire weekend will be coming in april! :)

hmmm......happy vs PO'd...

i think the status quo remains....

my first code

2010-02-13T19:30:00.002+13:00

my patient....
severe MI - i mean - Trop I of 10.80!!!!
and then he arrested - after i was meant to go home...
had to call a code - knowing that he was dead when i got there...
started compressions...team came...we knew it was over....

it sucked...had to face the family - who knew it was coming...

i know i did what i needed to do...i went down the NSTEMI route...
the regs i asked seemed to think so...i think...
but maybe if i got a reg down earlier....maybe something would've changed?
i know objectively, medically, nothing much could be done..
but it sucks..

im not phased by the death bit of things - i mean, it's not the first death i witnessed in front of my eyes...
but yeah...it suddenly feels worse when im the doctor there with responsibilities...

bummer.......*sigh*.....

smiles for today...

2010-02-11T16:52:00.000+13:00

good lunch - finally! :)
caught up with luke....

smiles for today...

2010-02-10T17:18:00.002+13:00

morning flat white
lunch with andrew + morag
lunch with visible eye-candies very close-by
drive home : pixies - this monkey's gone to heaven; 311 - love song

smiles for today...

2010-02-09T23:13:00.002+13:00

a colleague helping me out my following up on a request for a patient of his whose care i've only just taken over....
dvds rented for the week
awesome catch-up dinner at nisha's!!! - great, great indian food with creme brulee and friends! :)

smiles for today...

2010-02-08T21:04:00.003+13:00

silversun pickups - soundtrack when driving to and from work...:)
chai latte after my HO ward round....:)

smile for today...

2010-02-07T11:47:00.003+13:00

something else that i know will make me smile...

mix-tape / mix-cd

2010-02-05T21:41:00.002+13:00

finally something to smile about in the midst of all the chaos in my head....

2009-12-23T22:42:00.000+13:00

omg, my brain hurts!

2009-10-31T12:32:00.002+13:00

music
chocolate
laughter

the only things that can truly soothe the soul....
and not necessarily in that order! :)

2009-10-31T11:38:00.002+13:00

yay!!!!!
i'm finally moving out!!!!
no more oestrogen overload!!!! :)
so it'll just be me, myself and i....:)

2009-10-27T18:31:00.000+13:00

holy.fucking.hell!!!

2009-10-25T14:48:00.002+13:00

i woke up with a start waaay too early this morning (it was 8am on a sunday!) and i heard a deep male voice....
the first thought that came to mind was - abah?
i dunno why....and then i replayed yesterday in my head and in slow-motion, the layout of my apartment started forming in my head...
it was then that i realized that i wasn't in tmn tun....but here in auckland...
disappointed that i wasn't home with abah and mama...i forced myself back to sleep..

weird.....

2009-10-20T23:01:00.003+13:00

the makings of a grand day...:)

a good cuppa to start the morning - today it is a brazilian blend...:)
chocolate - duh!
my daily fix of anderson cooper......=)
great music

and, voila! a good day! =)

2009-10-18T10:52:00.006+13:00

over the past week or so, i've been reading about the sudden death of stephen gately...
listening to the autopsy report, he died secondary to pulmonary oedema...and they queried an unknown cardiac cause - so my immediate assumption for a 33y/o previously fit and healthy man dying of a cardiac cause - ?cardiomyopathy - this theory somewhat supported by revelation that there was a hereditary cardiac thing on his dad's side...

anyway, that's beside the point....

the point being, just minutes ago i was reading about his memorial service and the very touching eulogies from his friends and family...

and that got me pondering and reflecting inwardly...

when i die, will there be anything said about me?
will i be at the receiving end of a moving eulogy?
will there be anyone who would stand up and give a spiel about how i touched their lives?, how my life made a difference?
* ok, a eulogy by mama & abah doesn't count - they're parents! *

would i be remembered, and would it be in a good way?

a hero's birthday...:)

2009-10-13T15:08:00.002+13:00

Dear Ian,

HAPPY 27th BIRTHDAY!!!

love, nana....:)

2009-09-30T18:46:00.002+13:00

i am officially employed!!! :)

it took 2 weeks longer than it should have, but alhamdulillah, it has all panned out...:)

in all honesty, there are heaps of things to complain about where i'll be working at next year...
BUT as we all know, beggars can't be choosers! :)

so yeah, i think the relief of being employed trumps the negative points....:)

p/s: i can now buy the things i want!!! :)

2009-09-28T00:19:00.003+13:00

i can't believe there's only 6 weeks left!
i can't imagine what it'll be like...
it's been 7 years since graduating high school...

am i ready to face the real world?
am i ready for my signature to actually mean something?
am i ready to take responsibility for someone else's well-being?

it's finally the moment we've been waiting for...
but it is also the moment i've been dreading...
i AM scared...
no, i AM terrified of what all this means...

will i make it out alive?

Ian Thorpe Foxtel ad with Hugh Jackman

2009-08-04T17:53:00.001+12:00

can it get yummier than this? :)

2009-08-01T18:37:00.001+12:00

wouldn't it be HEAPS easier if we just knew the answers....

2009-07-24T23:52:00.006+12:00

hmm....a point to ponder:

if ian had swum in beijing, would he have still used his adidas - granted, it'll be an updated version - or would he have gone with speedo's LZR like mike and the rest of them - which was obviously a suit that was at a whole other level...

Sesame Street: Anderson Cooper Reports

2009-07-24T19:09:00.001+12:00

so cute!!! :)

“Beyond Sport Summit” in London on Thursday July 9, 2009

2009-07-23T20:29:00.001+12:00

wow!....i am most definitely impressed...kudos to ian....

Ian Thorpe: Australia’s dirty little secret

by Ian Thorpe

In a speech given at the “Beyond Sport Summit” in London on Thursday July 9, 2009, Australian Olympic legend Ian Thorpe dove head first into Australia’s failure to address the problems in its indigenous communities.

Ladies and Gentlemen, first may I thank you all for participating in this wonderful event. I am incredibly excited to be able to address you in regards to Beyond Sport.

For me this is an ambiguous topic.

As you may or may not be aware I am indeed an Olympian, I am no longer competing as a swimmer. I do take pride in my achievements in the pool and the valuable insight and education it has allowed me to take on, as I travelled the globe throughout my career.

When we speak of athletes there is a great deal that we know, like what is required of them, for me that meant 30 hours of training a week. We do this training just so we have a sporting chance to fulfil our life long dreams.

My travels with my sport since I was a very young and shy 14 year old opened the world to me, I didn’t realise at the time that this adventure would turn into a career beyond my wildest dreams.

I was the youngest male to ever represent Australia in swimming. By 15 I was the youngest ever male world champion. At 16 I broke four world records in four days and at 17 I was Olympic Champion, I had fulfilled my life long ambition as a child. I quickly realised I was a child in an adult world.

It was the child in me that throughout my career questioned why? Why is it so? Why is it done that way and why is the world the way it is?

In my travels, competition took me to places where sometimes I was met with abject poverty, whilst I simply swum. Why was my life so blessed when others just by fate had less opportunity than I? I guess I witnessed at a very young age how sport is an international language, a language that transcended borders, boundaries, cultural ideology, politics and even socio economic disadvantage.

I have only discussed my career up to when I was seventeen. It is because when I was 18 I established my charity, “Fountain for youth”. I didn’t realise at the time that this may be my biggest accomplishment. An achievement not in the sense of doing something right, rather a stepping stone where my values that I had gained from sport could be transferred to something that is bigger than sport and in my opinion far more important.

That said, sport was what has made me who I am today and has afforded me the privilege to work beyond sport. My charity work didn’t begin at 18, I was just 15 when I began working with those less fortunate then myself. It was those years that shaped my understanding of what charity was. It gave me an insight into the power of celebrity and sport, especially in sport mad Australia.

I realised my value to organisations trying to bring positive change lent enormous weight to these causes. I must say though this should be an outrage, because as an athlete I am not as qualified to comment on health or education as the health professionals and educators who daily tackle the big issues. In fact it is a bit disappointing that a teenager’s opinion garnered more attention than those who had been working on their chosen causes before I was even born. This realisation of the opportunity that my voice and name could lend to an excellent cause was the simple foundation laid, for my very own charity.

I continued to win medals, breaking world records and continued travelling around the world recognising the needs of people, particularly children, in many places I visited. By this time my charity had enough money raised to commit to larger projects, I sat at a board meeting and stated that I wanted to help the world’s neediest children.

I started to think of what impact my effort could have in places like Africa or South East Asia. I then visited some of the worlds neediest communities, places without access to planes and cars that seemed to be a world away … but now they were truly at my back door.

The communities that I visited had illiteracy levels at 93% … that was staggering only seven percent of a populous being able to read and write. Up to 80% of the children in these communities have serious hearing impairments because of “glue ear”; middle ear infections neglected from infancy. These kids will never hear the teacher in front of them in a classroom … that is, if there is a teacher and indeed a classroom.

Malnourished mothers are giving birth to babies that are seriously underweight and this only gets worse throughout a life born into poverty. Here diabetes affects one in every two adults. Kidney disease is in epidemic proportions in communities where living conditions; primary healthcare and infrastructure are truly appalling.

In this part of the world even the community leaders are afflicted by clusters of chronic illness. Syndrome X, the doctors call it, diabetes, renal disease, strokes, hypertension, cancer and heart disease. Some people die with four or five of these chronic illnesses.

Rheumatic heart disease among the children in these places is higher than in most of the developing world. But I was not visiting communities in the developing world, I was in the middle of Australia, remote, yes, but this is Australia, a country that can boast some of the highest standards of living of any nation in the world. How shocked I was that Syndrome X was afflicting so many of the 460, 000 Indigenous people of my country. As a result of these chronic illnesses and conditions Aboriginal life expectancy has fallen twenty years behind the rest of Australia. For some of my fellow countrymen life expectancy had plunged to just 46 years.

Australia’s grim record on health care for Indigenous people is by far the worst of any developed nation. Developed? How can a country be “developed” when it leaves so many of its children behind? Australia has not provided its citizens with an equal opportunity for primary health care, education, housing, employment, let alone recognition and a life of dignity.

Now I don’t expect you to just take my word for it. I am not a Doctor, I am simply an athlete. But ask Australian health professionals like Doctor Jim Hyde who says that while our nation has plenty of medical problems, only Indigenous Australians are facing a genuine health crisis.

The Governor of NSW, my home State, Professor Marie Bashir, an eminent Child Psychiatrist, has repeatedly pointed out the national disgrace of allowing the forty per cent of Indigenous children under the age of fifteen to put up with health problems found in no other developed nation. Patrick Dodson, winner of the Sydney Peace Prize and one of out greatest Statesmen, identifies health as a human right for Indigenous Australians.

“Only the most urgent government action”, said Australia’s “Father of Reconciliation”, “could change the inequality that has created this health tragedy in our own backyard.”

How could citizens with the greatest need be so under funded? If we were to indeed recognise the severity of this gross neglect, funding to these communities should be extradited.

A commitment to the first Australians is well within the means of my country, and this is what I find inexcusable. I am talking about an issue with a solution. For Australia to heal its wounds that have been weeping for 200 years we must not ignore the issue, we must start the healing.

Like many people in Australia I was completely unaware of the huge gap in health and education outcomes let alone the differences of life expectancy. I, as many had, made an assumption; Australia is a rich country, don’t we throw a lot of money at that problem? It disgusts me to speak those words now but that was what I thought. This was not just my lack of knowledge of this area but it is echoed throughout my nation.

An Aboriginal health expert, Shane Houston says:

Aboriginal people are viewed by too many in the Australian community as an unwelcome burden on the nation. Governments say they have spent a lot of money on Aborigines but where do you see the results in this squalor? So the mainstream concludes that Aboriginal health is a waste of money. It is all the fault of the poor blacks.

My people are somehow expected to just extricate themselves from this maze of life-threatening conditions. And if we can’t manage to do that, then many white people will shrug and say our end is inevitable.

Visiting Aboriginal people, in their homes, their communities, on their land, has allowed me to listen and given me some idea of the problems that Aboriginal people face. I listened to the concerns of mothers and fathers for the betterment of their children. This unwavering strength, in the face of social injustice. Within these communities I witness poverty, despair and pain … but I also see hope … hope from those men and woman who want more for their children.

With the words of these people in my head, I became part of a campaign in Australia called; “Close the Gap”, it is quite simply a program that recognises the difference between Indigenous and non Indigenous life expectancy in Australia and the huge gaps in all of the factors like education, jobs and housing that leave Aboriginal people so deeply disadvantaged.

Close the Gap is a commitment that this difference is unacceptable. It was supported by the Government and also the opposition. This is the kind of action that is required in Australia. The issue of Indigenous health and education goes beyond government, it is a fundamental right. I hope all sides of government continue to commit to this policy as a starting point and it is not another hollow promise that falls short.

Just this week Australia’s Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd said that it was “devastating” that a new report by our productivity commission showed that Aboriginal people had made little progress to close those gaps since 2000. He said this was “unacceptable” and “decisive action” had to be taken. The truth is that none of the problems I have mentioned can truly be rectified until our government and my fellow Australians recognise the injustice faced by Aboriginal Australians and how they are denied so many human rights.

This has been highlighted once again by what is called in Australia “The Intervention”, the Federal Government’s takeover of 73 remote Aboriginal communities.

The Intervention was constructed by the previous government and has since been reported to have been assembled in the space of just one day. The irony is that Aboriginal people had been campaigning for decades about the living conditions and the neglect of their children within their communities. The programs to protect and nurture the children, had been grossly neglected and under funded by government over the last decade. What appears to be a political stunt and a grab for government control over Aboriginal people continues to this day under the new government.

Once more an Australian government has claimed it is doing its best for Aboriginal Australians by taking over their communities, appointing white managers, more government bureaucrats, promising all kinds of things, if Aboriginal people will just sign over their communities under forty year leases to the Federal Government. And politicians wonder why Aboriginal people do not trust them.

The truth is for over 200 years Australian governments have neglected and patronized Aboriginal people.

The Intervention is unlikely to provide any lasting benefit to Aboriginal people because it tries to push and punish them, to take over their lives, rather than work with them. One of Australia’s oldest and wisest Aboriginal leaders, Galawuy Yunupingu says the only way forward is for Aboriginal communities in these remote areas to be led and organised by their own organisations. Assimilation will not work.

So in the work I do, the way I try to contribute through my organisation, Fountain for Youth, we work with Aboriginal teachers, health workers, parents and children, with the health services and the schools, to encourage people to believe that we can move forward together. We support pre-schooling, health education, literacy backpacks that let kids carry home reading for the whole family. And we use sport where we can to make a difference.

As a swimmer, who would have thought I would have ended up supporting Flipper Ball, junior water polo for little Aboriginal kids in the mining communities of Western Australia. As a swimmer, who would have thought I would be back at university studying psychology and at the same time working with young Aboriginal university graduates on a mentoring program to help get more kids to complete High School and go on with their studies. As a swimmer, maybe I was expected to just be satisfied with the gleam of those gold medals. But all sportsmen and women know the truth — there is something beyond sport.

There is the challenge of playing a part in the human family … to contribute and make a difference. We can use sport and use our sporting status to improve the lives of children and whole communities in so many places. We can make it a fairer, safer playing field for everyone.

In twenty remote Australian communities and with thousands of Aboriginal children I know life will have some extra opportunities if I commit to work hard on this.

I do intend to work hard at this for the rest of my life.

That is my promise to you — beyond sport!

look what the mailman brought....:)

2009-07-22T08:41:00.003+12:00

look what came in the mail yesterday.....
Anderson Cooper's Dispatches from the Edge - A Memoir of War, Disasters, and Survival (2006)
my first eBay purchase!!! :)
so stoked! :)

and this is what came in the mail today!!!
Beneath The Surface - the 2008 updated version
AND
No Limits: The Will To Succeed (2008)

eBay has given me the 4 bestest books ever!!! :)

Phelps Behind the Scenes SUBWAY Visit

2009-07-21T21:38:00.001+12:00

To celebrate the commercial, Jared and Michael met in Indianapolis the week of the launch for lunch....

this was just at the beginning of the month, before the Indy meets...:)

Michael Phelps for Subway

2009-07-21T21:37:00.001+12:00

A new television commercial debuting nationally July 5, 2009. The 15-second and 30-second spots, are entitled "Be Yourself", and will air during popular shows in Primetime, Cable, and Syndication.

my new pride and joy!!! :)

2009-07-21T08:56:00.004+12:00

Ian Thorpe, The Biography....
been wanting this since it first came out in 2004!
well, thanks to my new favourite site - eBay - it' mine for a bargain!! :)

aaah....1 book here, 3 more on the way.....;)

ROMA 09 (www.fina.org)

2009-07-20T08:25:00.009+12:00

the 13th FINA World Championships 2009 - Rome, ITA

Roma 09 - Swimming mascot

Dates of competition: July 26-August 2
Venue: Stadio del Nuoto
Capacity: 13,000 seats
Medal favourites:

Men – Michael Phelps and all the team from USA, Oussama Mellouli (TUN), Tae-Hwan Park (KOR), Alain Bernard and all the team from France, César Cielo (BRA), the team of Australia, Milorad Cavic (SRB), the team of Japan, Laszlo Cseh (HUN), the team of Italy;
Women – Stephanie Rice and all the team from Australia, Marleen Veldhuis and all the team from the Netherlands, Britta Steffen (GER), Federica Pellegrini and all the team from Italy, Rebecca Adlington (GBR), Kirsty Coventry (ZIM), Katie Hoff and all the team from USA

FACTS & FIGURES (some of them):

The men’s 4x100m freestyle relay has been almost exclusively dominated by American teams. Only in 2001 (when the medals went to Australia, Netherlands, and Germany respectively), and in 2003 (when Russia took gold, USA silver and France bronze) was USA denied gold.

Micheal Phelps (USA), now the greatest Olympian ever, is also the best performer in the history of the World Championships. Before Rome 2009, Phelps already has 18 World medals (15 gold & 3 silver) since the 2001 edition. The next best Championship performers are Grant Hackett (AUS), who earned 18 medals (10 gold, 5 silver & 3 bronze) over 5 editions from 1998-2007, and Ian Thorpe (AUS), who has 13 medals from 3 editions (11 gold, 1 silver and 1 bronze)

Ian Thorpe retained his 400m freestyle title for three editions (1998, 2001 & 2003), as well as his back-to-back 200m freestyle crowns (2001 & 2003). Grant Hackett, in addition to the 800m freestyle title he retained in 2003 & 2005, held his 1500m freestyle title for four-straight editions (1998, 2001, 2003 & 2005)!

All Championships records date from the 21st century. The oldest ones (3) of this list were established in 2001 at the FINA World Championships in Fukuoka (JPN): among men, the 400m free by Ian Thorpe (AUS) and the 1500m free by Grant Hackett (AUS), and in the women’s competition the 50m free by Inge de Bruijn (NED)

(pic: Mike, leaving a training session in Riccione, northern Italy...)
*yummmm* check out them abs...:)

Can't wait for Mike to sweep all SIX events this year....yeah, only 6 unfortunately....
He'll be swimming only 3 individual events in Rome — the 200 freestyle, and 100 & 200 butterfly — plus all 3 relays....

oh well, can't wait for the Worlds!!! I wanna see all my faves! team USA, Australia, Italy....etc...:)

the ONLY thing that could make this any sweeter - IAN and GRANT coming out of retirement and showing the rest of 'em how it's done....:)

2009-07-10T20:38:00.006+12:00

the latest in my extensive list of drool-worthy obsessions...:)
aaaahh....those piercing blue eyes.....*sigh*.....:)

'tis a sad day in history....

2009-06-26T12:40:00.002+12:00

tears are forming at the corners of my eyes....
MICHAEL JACKSON has died....
or so they say....
but i flat out REFUSE to believe this to be fact....
just like elvis, MJ is still somewhere out there....:)

bad enough that a music icon has passed....
a movie legend has also left us....
FARAH FAWCETT has lost her battle with metastatic anal ca....

the world just got a lot less brighter....

2009-06-08T08:47:00.004+12:00

im leaving on a jet plane...
don't know when i'll be back again....

ok, i fib....i'm leaving on a regular plane - possibly a boieng...
heading to MELBOURNE!! and then SYDNEY!!!....
and i knw when i'll be back - in 10 days!!! :)

weehoo.....:) so stoked....all the friends, the family, the food....
can't wait! :)

LongCase....

2009-06-04T07:50:00.002+12:00

today, 04/06/2009....
Gen Med Cycle 4 Long Case exam.....
i really, really hope i dont fuck up!...

UPDATE!

yup, FUBAR doesnt even begin to describe how my long case went....
saying i did badly is like saying tht hell is warm....
the best i can hope for is a borderline-pass....
ok, im gonna try looking at the silver-lining,
if i fail this, i get another chance at a repeat longcase....
worst-case, i juz have to do another 3mths of TI GenMed...
i'd still get to graduate...pfft....

2009-05-31T20:25:00.002+12:00

why am i never in tmn tun when i really need to be?

Celebrity Fight Night - March 2009

2009-05-28T14:23:00.003+12:00

2 of the biggest names in sports....

drool......

the oh-so-yummy mike.....:)

musings of the head VS the heart...

2009-05-26T19:02:00.004+12:00

i have come to realize something COMPLETELY retarded about myself...

i have in recent years become cynical about love and the likes, and have almost completely ruled out it ever happening to me...and then the "imu affair" happened - with a person i LEAST expected, at a point in time i least expected...as we knw, tht fizzled....

so now, i pretty much went back to square one - which is fine by me...

then i now realize tht i've got a bizzare frame of mind....the people i turn my thoughts/attention to are the ones i KNOW would never work - well, unless a snowstorm decides to freeze hell over....

i see that i have a pathological pattern in liking dudes who are WAAAY out of my league, they might as well be out of earth's gravitational pull! examples include various rockstars/celebrities/swimmers....and in this recent months, a surgical registrar...

i think i've also come to a point where i juz completely tune out "regular" dudes...and seeing as how im psycho-analyzing myself here, i think it's because it's juz easier liking dudes i KNOW i can never get....and that i know by liking these dudes with the background that i can never have them, it prevents the heartache and heartbreak tht's bound to happen with realistic relationships.....

so yeah, i think tht it's a wall i've built to not get hurt, to not feel the pain and to not get my hopes up...plus, i think i might juz be a tad bit of a commitment-phobe....

hmmm......i think this is what happens when i use my head to rationalize these things instead of using the heart....go figure...

2009-05-25T18:33:00.002+12:00

this whole weaning-off business is mighty difficult to pull off!

i tried my darndest NOT to think about R...in fact, i didnt even ask nurul about him today...
she mentioned him once...
and when i went to meet her in apu, there he was...
R...all yummy in his scrubs....*sigh*....
it was good talking/joking with him....

but i gotta wean off R!!!!

2009-05-23T20:54:00.001+12:00

fun fact - anderson cooper takes lipitor! :)

2009-05-23T20:48:00.002+12:00

must.get.over.boy!

2009-05-22T23:29:00.001+12:00

the master plan - so as to preserve my sanity:

to wean-off R!!!

2009-05-20T18:38:00.002+12:00

i was about to leave the hospital after work....
went to see nurul, so we could go home together - bt she did say R wasnt there..shame!
i went up to 76....as i was walking there, i saw a familiar figure....
my insides did a flip-flop, a reflex smile crept up....lo-and-behold, it was R! ;)
went in, saw nurul....saw R sitting by the comp again...
said hi to him...we started chatting....
he asked wht i was upto...
i said i was heading home...said to him tht he ought to go home too....
he said they were working hard, not like the TIs who could go home early...
i knew he was joking...so i retorted -
when i was working with him, i almost never went home early - he ought to know tht, seeing as how we walked home together a couple of times...
he said he was juz getting dinner, and was planning on coming back to hosp after tht...haha...AS IF....;)
we went on joking summore - me asking him how he's liking life with internet now...:)
it was awesome!!! i was smiling and joking with him all the way - while miraculously trying to act cool at the same time...;)
in the end, i left....we said bye, and he said to me "bye. don't work too hard."....

oh, the permanent smile etched on my face....:)

they're baaackkk.....;)

2009-05-20T18:26:00.002+12:00

finally! after a much-much-much-too-long hiatus, BLINK182 is back!!!! :)

a new record is in the works! :)
plus, there's a tour - a national one only unfortunately....

i mean, i wish i could go for the concert!
supporting bands incl: FOB, weezer, PATD, AAR, TBS, Chester French
daymm.....i'm missing out on brilliance!!!!

more sightings!

2009-05-19T21:43:00.002+12:00

about 3-4 sightings/encounters today....
1 of them was more than an acknowledging smile,
it was a "hi, how are u? whatcha up to?" encounter...;)

all while R was in scrubs!!! yumm...so delectable...;)

smiles, smiles....;)

2009-05-18T19:05:00.006+12:00

wht a way to spend a day....;)

0745 -

on the way to work, bumped into I...so we ended up walking together...;)

1045 -

level 3 coffee place - saw the colorectal team there....amongst them - the oh-so-yummy R...;)
he obviously didnt see me, bt hey! at least i got my dose of eye-candy!

1230 -

saw R in the cafe having lunch with the other Regs and the cute boss Mr Collinson...
daym, Mr C and R at one table....*drool, drool*...;)

1700 -

found out from nurul tht R was in 76 for paper-round...
turned out, they were done, and nurul got me to go up there - under the pretense of seeing her...
R was there! at the computer beside nurul...so i got an eye-full! he was as usual...so yumm! :)
then i said hi...hehe.....
snippets of our "conversation"...not verbatim, bt close enough...:

R: so, you can't stay away from here eh?
me: yeah...i miss surgery!
[wht i wanted & should've said was "yeah...i miss my favourite reg!!"]

me: i miss surgery! i can't do medicine...takes too much brain, and i dont have enough brain!
R (with a smirk): so, u're saying that we dont have enough brain, tht's why we're doing this?
me: wht? noo...i didn't say tht..u assumed....;)
[what i wanted & should've said was "are u kidding?!? YOU are like the most medically-sound surgeon i've met! u are soo friggin smart!!!"]

and he was wearing tht pair of pants i like - the denim-looking one...nice....
and i saw his tie - it had the insigna of the Royal College of Surgeons...nice...

so yeah...SMILING ear-to-ear!!!! :)

Phelps returns to pool with two gold-medal performances (5/15/2009)

2009-05-17T12:01:00.006+12:00

[taken from usaswimming.org]

Three-time Olympian Michael Phelps (Baltimore, Md.) returned to the pool for his first competition since the 2008 Olympics with a pair of gold-medal swims on the second day of the Charlotte UltraSwim Grand Prix.

The 14-time Olympic gold medalist proved to be in good form, as he swam a time of 1:46.02 in the men’s 200m free, which was faster than his preliminary time in the event in Beijing. Phelps’ former Club Wolverine teammates Peter Vanderkaay (Rochester, Mich.) and Davis Tarwater (Knoxville, Tenn.) finished close behind, with times of 1:46.71 and 1:47.35, respectively.

“I wanted to come back and do something respectable in the pool,” Phelps said. “The next few weeks are going to be really important in my training. It didn’t matter how I felt tonight, I was just excited to race. That’s what is important – that I still have that passion to race.”

Phelps came back two events later to win the 100m fly in a time of 51.72. Tyler McGill (Riverside, Calif.) finished a full second later with the runner-up time of 52.76, and Corney Swanepoe rounded out the podium in 53.22.

UPDATE: [taken from AP on yahoo]

CHARLOTTE, N.C. (AP) — Michael Phelps is not unbeatable.

Not when he's going against Aaron Peirsol.

The world-record holder and two-time Olympic champion handed Phelps his first defeat in nearly a year, winning the 200-meter backstroke at the Charlotte UltraSwim on Saturday night.

Wearing his new Arena suit, Peirsol got off to a strong start and touched in 53.32 seconds. Phelps was trailing by more than a half-second at the turn and had no chance to make that up against one of the greatest backstrokers, taking second in 53.79

LATEST UPDATE: [taken from www.telegram.com]

Phelps loses again at Charlotte UltraSwim
Two days, two losses for Michael Phelps. Phelps was beaten again at the Charlotte UltraSwim last night, losing to Frederick Bousquet of France in the 100-meter freestyle. The loss to Bousquet, world-record holder in the 50 free, came 24 hours after Phelps lost his first final in nearly a year. Aaron Peirsol beat him in the 200 backstroke.

http://sports.yahoo.com/top/news?slug=ap-phelpsreturns&prov=ap&type=lgns

Feeling This (live) FIRST SHOW BACK!!!!

2009-05-16T17:12:00.001+12:00

they're baaaackkk!!!! =)